"A 20 Hz sine wave walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A $300 bat won't fix your 50 cent swing" (baseball adage)

"A 350 credit score prevents identity theft"

"As a kid, did you ever knock on people's doors and run away before they could answer?" (joke)

"A baby can drink a bottle, fall asleep and people say it's cute. If I do it. I'm an alcoholic"

"A baby seal walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A backward poet writes inverse"

"A backyard barbecue draws two things ... flies and relatives"

"A bacon a day keeps the vegans away"

"A bad day of fishing is better than a good day of work"

"A bad day with coffee is better than a good day without it"

"A bad football team is like an old bra -- no cups and very little support"

"A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer, for even longer"

"A bad plan is better than no plan" (chess adage)

"A bad play saved by a bad performance" (Broadway saying)

"A bad putt is better than a bad chip" (golf adage)

"A bad settlement is better than a good trial"

"A bad stock trader is called an 'Oxo moron'"

"A bagel is just a boring donut"

"A bagel is just a boring doughnut"

"A bagel is just a healthy donut"

"A bagel is just a healthy doughnut"

"A bagel is just a savory donut"

"A bagel is just a savory doughnut"

"A bagel is just a savoury donut"

"A bagel is just a savoury doughnut"

"A bagel is just a vehicle for cream cheese"

"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand"

"A banana is just a vegan sausage"

"A banana is just a vegetarian sausage"

"A band has three years to write the first album and three weeks to write the follow-up"

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it"

"A banker lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back when it rains"

"A bar goes into a guy..." (bar joke)

"A bar walks into a commutative algebraist" (bar joke)

"A bar walks into a man. Oops! Wrong frame of reference" (bar joke)

"A bar was walked into by the passive voice" (bar joke)

"A bar without gin is like an Italian kitchen without pasta"

"A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist"

"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory"

"A bartender walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A bartender's job is to poison people"

"A baseball walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A bass is a bass is a bass" (fishing adage)

"A bean bag is just a boneless sofa"

"A bear walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A bear walks into a bar in Billings... (bar joke)

"A beaver walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A belt made of dollar bills would be a waist of money"

"A bend in the road is not the end of the road...unless you fail to make the turn"

"A bet against a champion is a bad bet"

"A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired" (pun)

"A bicycle is just an acoustic motorcycle"

"A big shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets"

"A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking real money"

"A bird's nest on the ground" (East Texas saying)

"A bishop, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A bishop walks straight into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A black hole walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A black man, a Jew, and an Asian walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A black man voting Republican is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders"

"A black speck on your TV screen isn't too irritating until you're trying to watch a hockey game"

"A blackberry is a goth raspberry"

"A blank piece of paper is God's way of telling us how hard it is to be God"

"A blind man walks into a bar and says, 'Wanna hear a blonde joke?'" (bar joke)

"A blind man walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A blind man walks into a shop with his seeing-eye dog..." (joke)

"A blind person was eating seafood. It didn’t help"

"A blind prisoner walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors"

"A block of ice is just a loaf of water"

"A bloop hit looks like a line drive in the box score" (baseball adage)

"A blowfly goes into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A blue trip slip for an 8 cent fare..." (horse-car poetry)

"A boat is a hole in the water into which you pour money"

"A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat"

"A book dies every time you watch a reality TV show"

"A book just fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame"

"A book walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A boomerang is basically a single-player frisbee"

"A boomerang walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A boss is like a diaper -- always on your ass and full of shit"

"A bowling alley is a pretty bad place to serve finger foods"

"A bowling alley is a pretty bad place to serve finger foods"

"A boy who couldn't see, hear, smell, feel or taste punched me in the face yesterday" (joke)

"A bra and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A bra walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A brain walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A breakfast of champions means something entirely different to a cannibal"

"A brew will see you through"

"A brownie is like an espresso of cake"

"A brunch without booze is just a sad, late breakfast"

"A bubble is a bull market in which you don't have a position"

"A bull market is like sex. It feels best just before it ends"

"A bunch of my friends are coming over this evening to play on their phones"

"A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds an office that some Republican wants"

"A bureaucrat is a politician with tenure"

"A burger a day keeps the vegans away"

"A burp is just a fart that took the elevator"

"A burp is nothing more than a smart fart that took the elevator up"

"A bus is like a moving waiting room"

"A business that makes nothing but money is a poor kind of business"

"A business with no sign is a sign of no business"

"A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator"

"A businessman is someone to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom"

"A businessman is someone to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom"

"A busy night at Stonehenge as workers move all the stones back one hour"

"A busy night at Stonehenge as workers move all the stones forward one hour"

"A butcher stands 6 feet tall and wears size 12 shoes -- what does he weigh?" (riddle)

"A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A cabbage and celery walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A cabbage and celery walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A cable TV installer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A cactus is a violent cucumber"

"A cactus is just a goth cucumber"

"A cactus is really just an aggressive cucumber"

"A calzone is the socially acceptable way for someone to eat a whole pizza"

"A camel is a horse designed by a committee"

"A campaign for re-election is a referendum on the incumbent"

"A Canadian is an unarmed American with health insurance"

"A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter" (joke)

"A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners"

"A cardiology video is totally clips of the heart"

"A careful driver is one who just saw the car ahead of him get a traffic ticket"

"A case of the Mondays" (school/work saying)

"A cashier asked me if I wanted paper or plastic. I said, 'Just put the money in a bag!!'"

"A cat walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A celebrity works hard to be well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized"

"A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness"

"A champion is someone who is willing to be uncomfortable" ("Be comfortable being uncomfortable")

"A champion team will always beat a team of champions"

"A charcuterie board is just a deconstructed pepperoni pizza"

"A cheese grater implies the existence of a cheese lesser"

"A cheese grater makes cheese lesser"

"A cheese omelette is an egg quesadilla"

"A cheese sandwich is just a raw grilled cheese"

"A cheeseburger a day keeps the vegans away"

"A chef is a man with a big enough vocabulary to give the soup a different name every day"

"A chemist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A chia pet walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A chicken and an egg walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A chicken burrito is just a breakfast burrito that was allowed to grow up"

"A chicken nugget is a meatball"

"A chicken walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes"

"A Chinese restaurant got vandalized. It was an act of wonton destruction"

"A chiropractor is a hip-pop artist"

"A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing"

"A classroom is not a restaurant" (joke)

"A clean browsing history is also a dirty one"

"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer"

"A clean house is a sign of no Internet connection"

"A clean tie attracts the soup of the day"

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory"

"A clear rejection is always better than a fake promise"

"A clockwork toy walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A closed mouth doesn't get fed"

"A closed mouth gathers no feet"

"A coach who listens to the fans ends up sitting with them"

"A code walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A coffee a day keeps the grumpy away"

"A coffee maker implies the existence of a coffee destroyer"

"A Coke from a bottle, a can and McDonald’s are 3 different drinks"

"A colleague from work has just texted saying he’s caught Covid from his cat. Don’t ask meow"

"A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there"

"A comic says funny things; a comedian says things funny"

"A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours"

"A committee is a group of the unwilling, chosen from the unfit, to do the unnecessary"

"A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain"

"A committee is twelve people doing the work of one"

"A community bound by books" (BookPeople slogan)

"A compliment is verbal sunshine"

"A compromise is a deal in which two people get what neither of them wanted"

"A computer keyboard is a word piano"

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing"

"A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles"

"A conscience is like a boat or a car. If you feel you need one, rent it" (J.R. on Dallas tv series)

"A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run"

"A conservative is a man who worships a dead radical"

"A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now"

"A conservative is someone who makes no changes and consults his grandmother when in doubt"

"A conservative man is a man who just sits and thinks, mostly sits"

"A ‘conspiracy theorist’ is someone who figures out the truth before most people"

"A conspiracy theorist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A consultant is someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time, and then keeps the watch"

"A consultant is someone who lives out of town"

"A consultant is someone who saves his client almost enough to pay his fee"

"A contortionist in the Philippines would be a Manila folder"

"A cookbook is only as good as its poorest recipe"

"A cookbook is only as good as its worst recipe"

"A cookie a day keeps the sadness away"

"A cop pulled me over and said, 'Papers.' So I said, 'Scissors, I win!' and drove off"

"A corn maze is a maize maze"

"A corn stalk walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A corndog is just a meat lollipop"

"A corndog is just a meat popsicle"

"A corndog is just a meat Twinkie"

"A correction is when you lose money and a bear market is when I lose money"

"A country with a government" ("A government with a country")

"A Covid nurse asked me if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her I always dress like this"

"A cowboy is a man with guts and a horse"

"A crab walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

A Crappy Test ("ACT" backronym)

"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts without sufficient capital to form a corporation"

"A criminal's best asset is his lie-ability"

"A critic enters the battlefield after the war and shoots the wounded"

"A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car"

"A crow walks into a bar, and he says 'ouch'. It was a crow bar" (bar joke)

"A crow walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A crow walks into a bar. It becomes a crowbar" (bar joke)

"A crowded parking lot means good food" (restaurant adage)

"A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door"

"A cult is a religion with no political power"

"A cup of coffee shared with a friend is happiness tasted and time well spent"

"A cup of coffee won't change the world, but it's a great start"

"A cup of tea solves everything"

"A cupcake is happiness with icing on top"

"A cynical, mercenary, demagogic press will produce in time a public as base as itself"

"A dangling modifier walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A dangling participle walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A day late and a dollar short"

"A day may come when I get enough sleep and don't need coffee. But it is not this day"

"A day of anarchy is worse than a hundred years of tyranny"

"A day without coffee is like... Just kidding. I have no idea"

"A day without wine is like... Just kidding. I have no idea"

"A day without wine isn't over yet"

"A DBA walks into a NoSQL bar..." (bar joke)

"A deaf guy walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A deal is a deal" (business saying)

"A default sans-serif font walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A defenseman needs 300 games to learn how to play" (hockey adage)

"A Democrat will give you the shirt off my back"

"A detained knight should consult a graphic designer. Apparently they free lance a lot"

"A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure"

"A dickhead walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit"

"A diet is what helps a person gain weight more slowly"

"A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width"

"A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch"

"A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries"

"A digital ID is not to identify yourself. It is to track and trace your every move"

"A dining car is a chew-chew train"

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age"

"A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell so that you look forward to the trip"

"A diplomat is anyone who thinks twice before saying nothing"

"A diplomat is a person who can be disarming even though his country isn't"

"A diplomat's life is made up of three ingredients: protocol, Geritol and alcohol"

"A doctor walks into a bar..." ("hickory daiquiri doc" bar joke)

"A tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep" (proverb)

"A dog may be man's best friend, but he won't pick you up at the airport"

"A dog may be your best friend, but they won't pick you up at the airport"

"A dog prepares you for kids. A cat prepares you for teenagers"

"A dog walks into a telegram office..." (joke)

"A dollar-three-eighty"

"A donut is just a dessert bagel"

"A doughnut is just a dessert bagel"

"A dressmaker sews what she gathers; a farmer gathers what he sows"

"A drinking establishment for brass enthusiasts: HornPub"

"A drummer with good time doesn't exist" (joke)

"A drunk dyslexic wanks into a jar" (bar joke)

"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts"

"A duck walks into a bar and asks, 'Got any grapes?'" (bar joke)

"A duck walks into a bar and says, 'Put it on my bill'" (bar joke)

"A duck walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'Waddle it be?'" (bar joke)

"A dwarf walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A dyslexic man walks into a bra" (bar joke)

"A dyslexic robber runs into a bank and screams, 'Air in the hands, mother stickers!'"

"A face for radio"

"A Facebook stranger doesn't like my opinion. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time"

"A fairy tale is a horror story to prepare children for the newspapers"

"A fallen leaf is nothing more than a summer's wave goodbye"

"A falling leaf is summer's wave goodbye"

"A family checks into a hotel..." (joke)

"A fanatic is one who won't change his mind and won't change the subject"

"A fat person doesn't eat what's right, but eats what's left"

"A father carries pictures where his money used to be"

"A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be"

"A female janitor asked if I'd do some weed with her. I can't deal with high maintenance women"

"A ferry is the poor man's cruise ship"

"A few oil wells make ranching a fine business"

"A figure of speech literally walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A file folder walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A filibuster is a long speech about nothing by an authority on the subject"

"A financier is a pawnbroker with imagination"

"A fine is a tax for doing wrong; a tax is a fine for doing okay"

"A fingerprint sensor on your phone is a one-digit password"

"A fire hydrant has H2O on the inside and K9P on the outside"

"A fireman runs into a school clutching a screwdriver and shouts, 'This is not a drill!'"

"A fish in sea" ("efficiency" pun)

"A fish walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A fisherman is a jerk on one end of the line waiting for a jerk on the other"

"A fisherman walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A five-dollar bill walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A food court implies the existence of food crime, and a food judicial system"

"A food system dependent on chemicals is not a food system, it's a chemical system"

"A food truck is the opposite of a drive-thru"

"A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place"

"A fool and his money are soon audited"

"A fool and his money are soon elected"

"A fool and his money are soon partying"

"A foolish faith in authority is the enemy of the truth"

"A football team that has two quarterbacks has no quarterback"

"'A fraction of the cost' is misleading as hypothetically, something could be 3/2 of the cost"

"A fraudster who installs kitchen worktops got arrested. He was charged with counter fitting"

"A Frenchman drinks his native wine, a German drinks his beer..." (toast)

"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat"

"A friend doesn't go on a diet when you are fat"

"A friend got some vinegar in his ear. Now he suffers from pickled hearing!"

"A friend in need is a damned nuisance"

"A friend is like a four-leaf clover -- hard to find, lucky to have"

"A friend is one who overlooks your broken fence and admires the flowers in your garden"

"A friend is someone who knows all about you but likes you anyway"

"A friend of wine is a friend of mine"

"A friend told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn"

"A friend told me that all apples were yellow... I was like, 'that's bananas'"

"A friend tweeted 'what’s a simile?' I clicked the 'like' button"

"A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship"

"A frog walks in to a bar and orders a 'Wodka'..." (bar joke)

"A fruit farmer told me: 'I eat what fruit I can, and what I can't I can'"

"A fruit probably wouldn't travel to Australia, but a veggie might"

"A full mind is an empty bat" (baseball adage)

"A full pocketbook often groans more loudly than an empty stomach"

"A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand"

"A gaffe is when a politician tells the truth" (Kinsley gaffe)

"A" Game

"A game of inches" (sports saying)

"A game of solitaire is probably one of the slowest ways to sort a deck of cards"

"A gathering of baboons is called a congress"

"A gentleman is a man who can play the saxophone but doesn't"

A Genuine Texas Town (Rotan slogan)

"A German walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A ghost walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A giant lightbulb walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A gig is worth ten rehearsals" (music adage)

"A giraffe walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A giraffe walks into a bar and the barman says..." (bar joke)

"A giraffe walks into a bar. Giraffes aren’t good at playing limbo" (bar joke)

"A giraffe's coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat..."

"A girl loved me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet"

"A girl was knocking on my hotel room door all night. Finally, I had to let her out"

"A goal without a plan is just a wish"

"A goal is a dream with a deadline" (management aphorism)

"A goal should scare you a little, and excite you a lot"

"A goaltender is a team's best penalty killer" (hockey adage)

"A goat, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. Ba-Dum-Tss"

"A goat walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A gold mine is a hole in the ground with a liar on top"

"A goldfish walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it"

"A golf cart is a sports car"

"A golf club walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A golf course is a site to be holed"

"A good big man will beat a good little man" (boxing adage)

"A good bowl of pasta is worth every penne"

"A good building, you got a door man. A bad building, you just got a man in a door"

"A good date ends with dinner. An awesome date ends with breakfast"

"A good day starts with a positive attitude and a great cup of coffee"

"A good day starts with a positive attitude and a great cup of coffee"

"A good driver can make a poor car look good, but not the other way around"

"A good friend knows how you take your coffee. A great friend adds booze"

"A good insurance company knows how to handle acclaim"

"A good man can make you feel sexy...oh sorry, that's wine. Wine does that"

"A good mother loves her children. A great mother still loves them when they're teenagers"

"A good number of my friends are racist. Precisely zero -- and that is a good number"

"A good pair of running shoes can last 400 miles" (running adage)

"A good part of online school is that there are no school shootings"

"A good percentage of my friends are Nazis. That percentage is zero"

"A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow"

"A good pun is its own reword"

"A good putter is a match for anyone and a bad putter is a match for no one" (golf adage)

"A goose walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch"

"A government that forces you to account to them for the way you spend your money, but..."

"A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television"

"A grandmother is a little bit parent, a little bit teacher, and a little bit best friend"

"A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween"

"A grapefruit is a lemon that had a chance and took advantage of it"

"A grasshopper walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A grave twenty-three inches long" (a newspaper column)

A great place to hang your hat (Paris, Texas slogan)

"A great way to protect yourself from the sun is drinking wine in the shade"

"A green Thanksgiving means a white Christmas"

"A group of dolphins is called a pod. And a group of falcons is called a cast..." ("podcast")

"A group of homophones wok inn two a bar..." (bar joke)

"A group of kids is called a migraine"

"A grown up silly straw is called a serious straw"

"A gun in the hand beats a cop on the phone"

"A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone"

"A gun in the hand is worth more than the entire police force on the phone"

"A gun in the hand is worth the entire police force on the phone"

"A gun is like a beer cooler: It should be fully loaded before use and completely empty after"

"A gun in the hand is better than two cops on the phone"

"A guy named Bart walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A guy only 3 feet, 3 inches tall showed up at my house. It was the meter man"

"A guy walks into a bar and orders fruit punch..." (bar joke)

"A guy walks into a bar..." (bar jokes)

"A guy walks into a bar...lucky bastard" (bar joke, told during COVID-19 bar closures)

"A guy walks into a bar with an octopus..." (bar joke)

"A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator..." (bar joke)

"A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog..." (bar joke)

"A gymnast walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A gymnast walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A gyro is a Greek taco" ("A gyro is a lamb taco")

"A half-truth is a whole lie"

"A ham sandwich walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A hamburger a day keeps the vegans away"

"A hamburger doesn't have a front or back until you bite it"

"A hamburger walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A hamburger walks into a bar..." (joke)

"A hand up, not a handout"

"A hangover is just your body reminding you that you’re an idiot"

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

"A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and wish you hadn't"

"A happy customer tells a friend; an unhappy customer tells the world"

"A happy fighter is a dangerous fighter" (boxing adage)

"A harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very, very dangerous man..."

"A harp is a piano after taxes"

"A haunted house, but for dads and all the lights are on. All of them"

"A haunted house for dads, but it's during a sunny day and all the lights are on inside"

"A healthy attitude is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier!"

"A heart shaped pizza is less pizza! Stay woke"

"A heart the size of Texas" or "A heart as big as Texas" (Texas saying)

"A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer"

"A high five is just a multiplayer clap"

"A highway to hell implies the existence of public transportation to heaven"

"A hipster walks into a bar you’ve never heard of" (bar joke)

"A hit dog will holler"

"A holding company is where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you"

"A Hong Kong second is a New York minute"

"A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A horse goes into a bar and says, ‘Can I have a large aperitif?'" (bar joke)

"A horse runs into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A horse walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint..." (bar joke)

"A horse walks into a bar..." (bar anti-joke)

"A horse walks into a bar. Show jumping at its worst" (bar joke)

"A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Hey!' ..."

"A horse walks into a barn..." (bar joke)

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running"

"A hospital is no place to be sick"

"A hot dog is just an American taco"

"A hot dog is the opposite of a chili dog"

"A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future what a can of soda will cost in 20 years"

"A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams"

"A house is made of wood and stone, but only love can make a home"

"A house is not a home without a dog"

"A house isn’t a home unless there’s wifi"

"A house isn’t a home unless there’s wifi"

"A hug in a mug" (coffee, hot cocoa, soup, tea)

"A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert"

"A husband calls up the hotel manager from his room..." (joke)

"A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he cleaned the house"

"A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he cleaned the whole house"

"A hyperbole totally ripped into the bar and absolutely destroyed everything!" (bar joke)

"A hypocrite is a fellow who is not himself on Sundays"

"A hypocrite is a person who is not himself on Sunday"

"A hypocrite is someone who's not themselves on Sunday"

"A janitor, a waitress, and a bartender walk into a bar... (bar joke)

"A jazz musician is someone that puts a $5,000 horn in a $500 car and drives 50 miles for $5 gig"

"A jellyfish's mouth is also its anus. The politician of the sea"

"A Jewish fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school"

"A job is more than a paycheck. It's also a place where you cry in the bathroom"

"A joke walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A journalist is an unemployed reporter"

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"

"A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers"

"A jumper cable walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer"

"A jury is one thing that never works when it's fixed"

"A keg but for iced coffee"

"A keyboard walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me. I thought, ‘That’s not very mature'"

"A King caught his Queen watching Pawn one Knight in the Castle and decided to report to the Bishop"

"A klutz walks into a bar" (bar joke)

"A knight in shining armor is a man who's never had his metal truly tested"

"A knight on the rim is dim" (chess adage)

"A knish is just a mashed potato Hot Pocket"

A la Minute

"A lamb, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. Ba-Dum-Tss"

"A landscaper walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A large aperitif: contents of an Italian horse's mouth"

"A large dog's favorite pastry is a Great Danish"

"A large group of Karens is called a Homeowners' Association"

"A large group of Karens is called an HOA"

"A late train gets later" (transportation adage)

"A lawsuit is something no one wants to have and no one wants to lose"

"A lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer"

"A lawyer helps you get what's coming to him"

"A lawyer is someone who writes an 80-page document, and calls it a 'brief'"

"A lawyer prevents somebody else from getting your money"

"A lawyer’s first duty is to make sure that only the client goes to jail"

"A lawyer's time and advice are his stock in trade"

"A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way and shows the way"

"A leader leads by example, whether he intends to or not"

"A leader must inspire or his team will expire"

"A leadoff walk always scores" (baseball adage)

"A liberal is a man too broad-minded to take his own side in a quarrel"

"A liberal is a man who leaves the room when the fight begins"

"A liberal is a man with both feet planted firmly in the air"

"A liberal is a person who will give away everything he doesn't own"

"A liberal is a person whose interests aren’t at stake at the moment"

"A libertarian is a conservative who's been busted"

"A libertarian is a liberal who learned economics"

"A libertarian is a Republican who smokes pot"

"A libertarian is someone who believes in the non-aggression principle..."

"A library is a hospital for the mind"

"A license is when the government takes away your right to do something, then sells it back to you"

"A license is what you get when the gov't steals your rights away from you and then sells them back"

"A lick and a promise"

"A lie has speed, but truth has endurance"

"A life of frustration is inevitable for any coach whose main enjoyment is winning"

"A life without brisket is a life not worth living"

"A life without memes is memingless"

"A limbo dancer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A line in the sand" (Col. Travis in 1836; Pres. Bush in 1990)

"A linguist walks into a bar and orders an IPA..." (bar joke)

"A lion, a witch and a wardrobe walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A lion doesn't concern himself with the opinions of a sheep"

"A lion doesn't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep"

"A lion never loses sleep over the opinions of sheep"

"A little birdie told me my golf skills are improving"

"A Little Bit of New England in the Bronx" (Johnny's Reef)

"A little government involvement is just as dangerous as a lot"

"A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation"

"A loaf of bread, a pound of meat, and all the mustard you can eat!" (hot dogs)

"A loaf of bread is really just a deck of carbs"

"A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage"

"A long term investment is a short term investment that failed"

"A lost opportunity is better than lost money" ("Missed money is better than lost money")

"A lot of money is tainted -- 'taint yours and 'taint mine"

"A lot of people are in debt because they spend what their friends think they make"

"A lot of people don't like Mondays, but 48 hours ago was a sadder day"

"A lot of people my age are dead"

"A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of my ribbon-repair business yesterday"

"A lot of women are turning into good drivers. If you're a good driver, watch out for turning women"

"A lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math"

"A macaron is just an Oreo that studied abroad"

"A machine learning algorithm walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A magazine is a bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue"

"A magician was driving down the road. Then he turned into a driveway"

"A malapropism walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A male feminist walks into a bar because it was set so low" (bar joke)

"A man bitten twice by the same snake is a fool"

"A man doesn't walk into a bar..." (bar joke, told during COVID-19 bar closures)

"A man doesn't walk into a pub..." (pub joke, told during COVID-19 pub closures)

"A man fell in a barrel of whiskey, but he died in good spirits"

"A man has been stealing wheels from police cars. Police are working tirelessly to catch him"

"A man in a hat got a tan" (Manhattan)

"A man in a wheelchair walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A man in debt is caught in a net"

"A man in Saudi Arabia has been caught stealing hand sanitiser. He won't need it now"

"A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks, 'Dad, can't you just use a sponge?'"

"A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy"

"A man on a tractor drove past me shouting, 'The end of the world is nigh!' It was Farmer Geddon"

"A man overdosed on curry powder and went into a korma"

"A man promised his girlfriend a diamond for Valentine's Day. So he took her to a baseball park"

"A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern..." (bar joke)

"A man spilled his Scrabble set on the road. I asked, 'What's the word on the street?'"

"A man takes a drink...then the drink takes the man"

"A man takes a hooker out to dinner. He gives her his peas. She gives him herpes"

"A man takes his wife to get tested..." (joke)

"A man using Apple maps walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and asks for a Corona and two Hurricanes..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and asks the quickest way into town..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and hears a voice say, 'Nice tie!'" (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and says, 'Give me a beer before problems start!'" (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and sees a smartly dressed woman..." (lawyer joke)

"A man walks into a bar... and stays there my entire childhood" (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar..." (bar jokes)

"A man walks into a bar carrying an octopus..." (bagpipes joke)

"A man walks into a bar. His alcoholism problem is destroying his family" (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar in New Orleans..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar...lucky bastard" (bar joke, told during COVID-19 bar closures)

"A man walks into a bar wearing a tie fastener..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar with a gun..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar with a newt..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a library and asks if there are any books on poor eyesight..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a Soviet shop and asks, 'You don't have any meat?'" (scarcity joke)

"A man was seriously injured today after being run over by a reversing car...." (joke)

"A man went into a library and asked, 'Do you have any books on shelves?'" (joke)

"A man went into a library and asked, 'Do you have any books on shelving?'" (joke)

"A man with authority walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two is never sure"

"A man without a government is like a lion without a circus"

"A man without a government is like a fish without a bicycle"

"A manager eyes the bottom line; a leader eyes the horizon"

"A Man’s Breakfast: Eggs, bacon, and a goddamn gun"

"A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time: pills or stairs"

"A man's life: He believes in Santa Claus, he doesn't believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus"

"A marathon runner walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A marathon runner walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A marathoner walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A Marine on duty has no friends" (Marine Corps proverb)

"A market that rallies on bad news could signal a bottom" (Wall Street adage)

"A Marxist is someone who loves humanity in groups of one million or more"

"A mask is not a political statement. It's an IQ test"

"A masochist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A mathematician, a college professor, and a textbook author walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A mathematician walks into a bar and orders ten times the drinks of everyone else..." (bar joke)

"A Matter of Taste" (Tasti D-Lite)

"A McDonald's sign said, ‘All Day Breakfast.' I thought, 'I don’t have time for that'"

"A meal without wine is breakfast"

"A meatball is just a bite-sized meatloaf"

"A meatball sub is basically just an Italian taco"

"A median and a mode walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A meeting is no substitute for progress"

"A microwave is an easy bake oven for adults"

"A midget stumbles out of the bar... He was a little drunk"

"A midget walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A mile wide and an inch deep"

"A Milky Way is just a female Snickers"

"A million guys walk into a Silicon Valley bar..." (bar joke)

"A million guys walk into a Silicon Valley bar..." (tech joke)

"A million kids want to clean up earth. A million parents want them to start with their rooms"

"A million kids want to clean up the Earth. A million parents want it started with their bedrooms"

"A mimosa is just a socially acceptable breakfast screwdriver"

"A minimalist walks into a bar" (bar joke)

"A Möbius strip walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A model railroad is never finished" (adage)

"A model railway is never finished" (adage)

"A modern bar mitzvah is more 'bar' than 'mitzvah'"

"A mole walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A moment on the lips, forever on the hips"

"A month does not a trend make"

"A morning without coffee is like sleep"

"A mother gave birth during flight. The baby was airborne"

"A mother holds her children's hands for a while, but their hearts forever"

"A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people..."

"A motion to adjourn is always in order"

"A movement is over when the news is out" (Wall Street adage)

"A movie ticket for baby should cost at least $50"

"A muffin is a bald cupcake"

"A mugger robs a congressman" (joke)

"A mugger says to a university student, 'Your money or your life!'" (joke)

"A mummy covered in chocolate & nuts has been discovered. Archaeologists believe it's Pharaoh Roche"

"A music store was robbed. The robbers made off with the lute"

"A musical comedy must have good legs for a long run"

"A mute walks into a bar and says..." (bar joke)

"A naked woman gets into a taxi..." (jokes)

"A naked woman walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A nap is just a shortcut to your next meal"

"A narcissist wants the authority of a king while having the accountability of a toddler"

"A nation of sheep"

"A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves"

"A nation owned by weapons manufacturers will never know peace"

"A nation run by bankers will never be out of debt"

"A nation that allows a small segment of its citizens to write the laws will never know justice"

"A nation that cannot control its borders can't control its destiny"

"A Nazi walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A nectarine is just a bald-headed peach"

"A nectarine is just a peach with a Brazilian wax"

"A nectarine is just a shaved peach"

"A nectarine is just a smooth peach"

"A neoconservative is a liberal who has been mugged by reality"

"A Nestle Crunch bar is beans and rice"

"A neutrino walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A neutrino walks through a bar..." (bar joke)

"A neutron walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A new broom sweeps clean, but an old broom knows all the corners"

"A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu, but it just tasted like paper to me"

"A new school, For a new century, In a new neighborhood" (Claremont Prep)

"A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages"

"A new study has shown that the best time to brew a pot of coffee is right freaking now"

"A new study shows that the most expensive vehicle to operate is a shopping cart"

"A new supermarket opened near my house..." (joke)

"A new year is unfolding -- like a blossom with petals curled tightly, concealing the beauty within"

"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other"

"A New Yorker is someone who longs for New York"

"A New Yorker learns to drive by yelling 'taxi'"

A New Yorker's View of the World

"A newspaper is a daily miracle"

"A nice cold drink and an ice cold drink is the same sentence with the space in different places"

"A nickel a shtickel"

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore"

"A nickel gets you on the subway, but garlic gets you a seat"

"A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A non sequitur walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A nonrenewable natural resource walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A nose walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A nuclear war can ruin your whole day"

"A number 12 walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A nun, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A nut for a jar of tuna" (palindrome)

"A one hour workout is only 4% of your day. No excuses"

"A pair of dice walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A panda bear was frying up some bacon and eggs. It was a frying pan, duh"

"A panda feeds for 12 hours. This is the same as an adult under quarantine, called a ‘pandemic’"

"A panda walks into a restaurant..." (joke)

"A pansexual is someone who adores pan pizza from Pizza Hut"

"A paper cut is a tree's last revenge"

"A paper jam is the least appetizing of all the preserves"

"A paper never refuses ink"

"A parking meter is a device that enables you to do two hours' shopping in one"

"A parking ticket officer is simply a hall monitor who reached full potential"

"A parking ticket officer is simply a hall monitor who reached full potential"

"A party in my tummy"

"A party in your mouth" (a taste sensation)

"A party without cake is just a meeting"

"A pat on the back is only a few vertebrae removed from a kick in the pants"

"A patient cured is a customer lost"

"A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government"

"A peach is just a hairy nectarine"

"A peanut sat on a railroad track. His heart was all a-flutter..."

"A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons left in the tank"

"A pencil is an acoustic pen"

"A penguin walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A penguin walks into an airport..." (joke)

"A penny found is worth more than a penny earned because a penny earned is taxed"

"A penny saved is a Congressional oversight"

"A penny saved is actually more valuable than a penny earned because you don't pay taxes on it"

"A penny saved is ridiculous"

"A pepperoni pizza Lunchable is just a portable charcuterie board"

"A perfectionist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer"

"A person of unspecified gender walks into a bar.." (bar joke)

"A person who cares for chickens is a chicken tender"

"A person who makes coffee makers is a coffee maker maker"

"A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner"

"A person with a liberal arts degree walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A person with an art degree walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A person with no face and no name who loves to eat is omnomynous"

"A person without data is just another person with an opinion"

"A pessimist is a well-informed optimist"

"A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities..."

"A pessimist is one who sees a disaster in every opportunity. An optimist sees opportunity..."

"A pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty"

"A pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel..."

"A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative"

"A photon checks into a hotel..." (joke)

"A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building" (joke)

"A pickle is a cucumber soured by a jarring experience"

"A picture is worth a thousand words, but it will take longer to download"

"A pie doesn't grow through its slicing"

"A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money. It was a strobbery"

"A piece of gold walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A piece of sandpaper walks into a bar... (bar joke)

"A piece of sod walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A piece of turf walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A pig walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A pig's favorite movie: The Monster That Ate New York"

"A pilot is just a flying bus driver"

"A pint of Guinness has less calories than a pint of orange juice"

"A pint of tequila? That's a long shot"

"A pirate walks into a bar, and it was at that moment..." (bar joke)

"A pirate walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head..." (bar joke)

"A pizza is technically a cylinder"

"A pizza with radius 'z' and thickness 'a' has a volume of Pi*z*z*a"

"A plateau is a high form of flattery"

"A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck..." (bar joke)

"A poem about work: Coffee. Blah blah blah. Drive home. Wine"

"A poem about work: Coffee. Blah blah blah. Drive home. Wine"

"A Pokémon Go user walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A policeman asked me to come down to the station for an interview" (joke)

"A political system that benefits from fear and ignorance has every reason to perpetuate both"

"A politician can make waves, then make you think he's the only one who can save the ship"

"A politician is a man who will double-cross that bridge when he comes to it"

"A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground"

"A politician is someone who will lay down your life for his country"

"A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman of the next generation"

"A politician who's poor is a poor politician"

"A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything, except office"

"A politician would attend the opening of an envelope"

"A politician's back-slapping and hand-shaking is spoiled by leg-pulling"

"A positive attitude and a sense of humor go together like biscuits and gravy"

"A positive attitude is contagious, but don't wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier"

"A potato kugel is just a deep dish latke"

"A potato walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank..." (bar joke parody)

"A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A principle isn't a principle until it costs you money"

"A prisoner walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A problem is a chance for you to do your best"

"A problem with drinking with people from work is they’re the ones I bitch about when I’m drunk"

"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep"

"A professor must have a theory, as a dog must have fleas"

"A programmer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A pub is for life, not just for Christmas"

"A puddle of vomit goes into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A pun walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A QA engineer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A quesadilla is essentially a grilled cheese sandwich"

"A question mark walks into a bar?" (bar joke)

"A quick nickel is better than a slow dime"

"A race horse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time"

"A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously"

"A Rastafarian walks into a bank with a bag of marijuana. He wanted to open a joint account"

"A Rat In The House May/Might Eat The Ice Cream" ("arithmetic" spelling aid)

"A real friend never gets in your way -- unless you happen to be on the way down"

"A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works"

"A real sign that you’ve made it is when your couches aren’t against a wall"

"A real Smart TV would increase the volume when you started eating chips"

"A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips"

"A really bad impressionist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A really big shew" (The Ed Sullivan Show)

"A recession is when your neighbor loses his job; a depression is when you lose your job"

"A recipe is a story that ends with a good meal"

"A reckless driver is one who passes you, in spite of all you can do"

"A rectangular prism walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A refrigerator is a place to store leftovers until they are old enough to throw out"

"A reindeer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A relationship without trust is like having a phone with no service. You play games"

"A restaurant for young cows is a calfé" (calf + café)

"A rib a day keeps the vegans away"

"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money"

"A riot is the language of the unheard"

"A rising tide lifts all boats" (Wall Street proverb)

"A robot walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A rock guitarist plays 3 chords to 3,000 people; a jazz guitarist plays 3,000 chords to 3 people"

"A rock in bad hands killed Abel. A rock in good hands killed Goliath. It's not about the rock"

"A rock walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A rolling loan gathers no loss" (banking adage)

"A rolling stone gathers no moss. but a moving ceiling fan gathers dust like a motherfucker"

"A Roman walks into a bar and orders a Martinus..." (bar joke)

"A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers..." (bar joke)

"A room and bath for two and one-half" (Commodore Hotel, now Grand Hyatt)

"A rosé by any other name would taste as sweet"

"A rubber band was confiscated during algebra because it was a weapon of math disruption"

"A runner walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A safety net should be a trampoline as opposed to a hammock"

"A salad is just a deconstructed sandwich"

"A salad without radicchio? That's just radicchio-less"

"A salt truck implies the existence of a pepper truck"

"A sandwich is an unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat"

"A saxophone is like a lawsuit. Everyone is happy when the case is closed."

"A scared nickel never made a dime" (business adage)

"A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup. A schlimazel is the guy he spills it on"

"A science teacher had his students observe and report on the condensation..." (joke)

"A screwdriver walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A seat on the New York Stock Exchange is a license to steal"

"A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student"

"A selfie with a celebrity is the new form of an autograph"

"A semicolon broke the law; it was given two consecutive sentences"

"A shady business never yields a sunny life"

"A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. Ba-Dum-Tss"

"A sheep, a drum and a snake walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A ship does not sail with yesterday's wind" (political proverb)

"A sign for a strip club during the day: 'Sorry, we're clothed'"

"A sign said 'Lobster Tails $2.' I paid $2 and was told, 'Once upon a time there was a lobster...'"

"A signature reveals a man's character -- and sometimes even his name"

"A simile walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A single bee is ignored, but when millions come together, even the bravest run in fear"

"A single kernel of corn is a unicorn"

"A single piece of corn is technically a unicorn"

"A six-sided man walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A skeleton walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A skyscraper is a machine that makes the land pay"

"A sloppy joe is just a chili sandwich"

"A slurpee is just a boneless popsicle"

"A small carafe of wine is illogical, immoral and inadequate"

"A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland. The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks"

"A smart ass can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is"

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight"

"A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a swimming pool"

"A smoothie implies the existence of a roughie"

"A smoothie is a meal that a robot has pre-chewed for you"

"A Smurf walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A snail walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A snake walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A snowbank implies the existence of snowmoney"

"A snowflake is winter's butterfly"

"A soccer ball walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A socialist is someone who wants everything you have, except your job"

"A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves"

"A sod farmer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A soft-boiled egg is the lava cake of eggs"

"A soft taco is just an unfolded burrito"

"A software tester walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A soup can't go bad if you just never stop boiling it..."

"A space heater makes a great housewarming gift"

"A spark plug walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar..." (bar jokes)

"A spice thief had his own spices stolen. I guess you could say he had it cumin"

"A spider just crawled into my keyboard. It's okay, I've got it under Ctrl"

"A spill, a slip, a hospital trip" (safety slogan)

"A spoon is just a bowl on a stick"

"A spoon is just a small bowl with a handle"

"A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra"

"A sports network employee got arrested for selling company secrets. He was charged with ESPN-age"

"A sports network employee got arrested for selling company secrets. He was charged with ESPN-age"

"A SQL query goes into a restaurant..." (joke)

"A SQL query walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A square, a triangle and a hexagon walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A square and a circle walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A state of emergency that lasts 2 years is no longer a state of emergency. It is a dictatorship"

"A state of emergency that lasts two years is no longer a state of emergency. It’s a power grab"

"A statesman is a politician who is dead"

"A statesman is any politician it's considered safe to name a school after"

"A steak a day keeps the vegans away"

"A stew boiled is a stew spoiled"

"A stinky man walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A stir fry is just a hot salad"

"A stock doesn't know where it has been" or "A stock doesn't know you own it" (Wall Street proverb)

"A stock is worth what someone is willing to pay for it" (Wall Street adage)

"A stock market crash is worse than a divorce. You lose half your money & your wife is still around"

"A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A street had houses numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. It was a trip down memory lane"

"A street had houses numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. It was a trip down memory lane"

"A string walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A strong butt is the key to a happy life"

"'A' students teach 'B' students to work for 'C' students"

"A subatomic particle refused to pay bus fare. It just lepton"

"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him"

"A Sunday well spent brings a week of content"

"A superconductor walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A supreme court implies the existence of a meatlovers court"

"A surgeon, an architect, and a politician" (joke)

"A Swedish Fish is that which has no Finns"

"A Swedish woman, two Swedish men, and another Swedish woman walk into ABBA..." (bar joke)

"A synonym strolls into a tavern..." (bar joke)

"A system that has no problems printing currency without wealth will print votes without voters"

"A tablespoon is to eat tables with"

"A taco is a beef love letter in a corn envelope that you mail to your stomach"

"A taco is a fish love letter in a corn envelope that you mail to your stomach"

"A taco is just a Mexican hot dog"

"A tall guy walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A taxpayer voting Democratic is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders"

"A tavern is a place where madness is sold by the bottle"

"A tax can be fair or simple, but not both"

"A tax loophole benefits the other guy; if it benefits you, it's tax reform"

"A taxi is not a restaurant" (joke)

"A taxpayer voting Democrat is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders"

"A taxpayer voting for a Democrat is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders"

"A teacher takes a hand, opens a mind and touches a heart"

"A teacher walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A team is a reflection of its coach" (sports adage)

"A teetotaler walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A television can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer"

"A-ten-hut!" or "Ten-hut!" ("attention" command)

"A tenement house in Greenwood" (soup with greens)

"A tennis ball walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A tepid vote counts the same as a wildly enthusiastic vote"

"A termite walks into a bar and asks, 'Is the bar tender here?'" (bar joke)

"A testing engineer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A Texan and a Mexican walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A Texan is a Mexican who couldn't swim to Oklahoma" (dirty joke definition)

"A theater without beer is just a museum"

"A theory should not attempt to explain all the facts, because some of the facts are wrong"

"A thief believes everybody steals" (proverb)

"A thief entered a theatre. He stole the spotlight"

"A thief is more moral than a congressman. When a thief steals your money..."

"A three-legged dog walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A Tibetan monk sees Jesus in a tub of margarine and cries, 'I can't believe it's not Buddha!'"

"A tie game is like kissing your sister"

"A time-stretched sinusoid walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A time traveler walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A tomato is technically a fruit, but it usually identifies as a vegetable. It's a transplant"

"A ton of money" (a large amount of money)

"A topiary expert walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A tortilla chip is just a biodegradable spoon"

"A towel walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A town legalized pot, but banned alcohol. The residents were left high and dry"

"A town so small, people only lock their car doors during the zucchini harvest"

"A town with a lot of park benches is a sity"

"A tradition unlike any other" (The Masters golf tournament)

"A tragedy is a ship full of bankers sinking. A catastrophe is when they can all swim"

"A train is like a moving waiting room"

"A treadmill is basically a hamster wheel for humans"

"A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense"

"A truck carrying onions has overturned. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on"

"A truck full of guitar pedals crashed on I-5. Expect delays"

"A truck full of pepper mills has crashed on the highway. The traffic has ground to a halt"

"A truck full of Vicks VapoRub overturned. Police are saying there will be no congestion for 24hrs."

"A truckload of Brillo pads was stolen last night. Police are currently scouring the area"

"A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success"

"A true friend is one who thinks you're a good egg, even though you're slightly cracked"

"A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down"

"A true friend sees the pain in your eyes, even when you have a big smile on your face"

"A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty"

"A truly special teacher is very wise, and sees tomorrow in every child's eyes"

"A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can't believe it's not better"

"A tuba player walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A tuba player walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A Tuesday after a holiday is like a double whammy Monday"

"A turducken is technically a stuffed animal"

"A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer"

"A TV channel dedicated to 24-hour cricket coverage should be called 'No Rest For The Wicket'"

"A Twitter stranger doesn’t like my opinion. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time"

"A Twizzler is the beef jerky of candy"

"A tyrant doesn't ask for power over you. A tyrant asks for power over your neighbors"

"A university is a city in outer space"

"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in the students"

"A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it's not that good"

"A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in"

"A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking"

"A vanilla soy latte is a type of 3-bean soup"

"A vegetarian is a person who doesn't eat anything that can have children"

"A ventriloquist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A veteran is someone who wrote a blank check to the United States of America"

"A Viagra shipment was stolen today. Cops are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals"

"A violinist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A virologist, an epidemiologist and a scientist walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A virus didn’t change our lives. A tyrannical government did"

"A voice for print"

"A vote for freedom is never wasted"

"A vulture with two dead raccoons tries to board. 'Sorry, only one carrion is allowed'"

"A waffle is a pancake with a non-skid tread"

"A waffle is just a more considerate pancake"

"A waffle is just a pancake's alter Eggo"

"A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap"

"A waffle without the letter W is just awful"

"A waist is a terrible thing to mind"

"A walk is as good as a hit" (baseball adage)

"A watched pot never boils"

"A Way of Life" & "Think Less, Feel Better" (New York Health & Racquet Club)

"A weasel walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A weatherman was sacked because of cold, gloomy forecasts. No more mist and ice guy"

"A web developer left a restaurant before ordering because he hated the menus" (joke)

"A web developer left a restaurant before ordering because he hated the menus" (joke)

"A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day"

"A week is a long time in politics"

"A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous"

"A wet man does not fear the rain"

"A wildebeest walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A win is a win" (sports adage)

"A wine tasting is the only time it's okay to ask a woman in public if she spits or swallows"

"A winner is a dreamer who never gives up"

"A winner makes commitments. A loser makes promises"

"A winner never quits and a quitter never wins"

"A winter poem: Shit, it's cold. The end"

"A wireless bra? It was tricky enough; now I need a password?"

"A wise Chinese man once said, "If a dog barks, it's undercooked'"

"A wise doctor once wrote... [scribbles]"

"A wise man can always be found alone. A weak man can always be found in a crowd"

"A wise man once said, 'Fuck this shit'"

"A wise person knows that there is something to be learned from everyone"

"A wise person once said, 'Fuck this shit'"

"A wise woman once said 'fuck this shit' and she lived happily ever after"

"A woman and a duck walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection..." (joke)

"A woman notices her ex-husband drinking at the bar..." (joke)

"A woman voting Republican is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders"

"A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre" (bar joke)

"A woman's place is in the kitchen"

"A working man voting Republican is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders"

"A world without tomatoes is like a string quartet without violins"

"A world without weird people is like vanilla ice cream without the sprinkles"

"A worm crawls out of a bowl of spaghetti and says, 'That was some orgy!'"

"A writer must always tell the truth (unless he's a journalist)"

"A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army"

"A yawn is a silent scream for coffee"

"A year from now you will wish you had started today"

"A young person voting for a Democrat is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders"

"A young person voting for a Republican is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders"

"A young Texan walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A young Texan walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A Zamboni is a sports car"

"A zombie walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

ABC ("Anyone But the Cowboys")

ABC Rule (Anything But Cabernet; Anything But Chardonnay)

ABCNNBCBS (ABC + CNN + NBC + CBS)

Abilene Distorter-News (Abilene Reporter-News nickname)

Abilenian (inhabitant of Abilene)

"Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter"

"Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there"

"Abortion is not healthcare because killing isn't healing"

"Abortion: It really brings out your inner child"

"Abortion really brings out the kid in you"

"About all you can do is dream of a white Christmas; it leaves most of us in the red"

About the Site Editor

"About the time we think we can make both ends meet, somebody moves the ends"

"About to put on a suit and tie for the party. Yes, I'm dressing up for Halloween"

Above-way (proposed monorail to complement subway)

Abovetexas (Oklahoma nickname)

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

"Absinthe makes the fart grow stronger"

"Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder"

"Absolute safety enslaves absolutely"

Absolutely Awful or Always Awful (American Airlines nickname)

"Absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh"

Absolutely Pathetic (Associated Press or AP nickname)

"Abstinence is a good thing, but it should always be practiced in moderation"

"Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers"

Absurdistan

"Abundance -- Big party held in a bakery"

ABV Disease (Anything But Vaccines)

ACAB (All Communists Are Bastards)

ACAB (All Coppers Are Bastards)

ACAB (All Cops Are Bastards)

"Academia is like a pie-eating contest where the reward is more pie"

"Accept people as they are. Believe in what they can become"

"'Acceptable level of unemployment' means the government economist has a job" (Nowlan's Truism)

Access To Money ("ATM" backronym)

"'Accidentally' buy the potato chips your spouse doesn’t like so you don’t have to share"

"Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened..."

"Accidentally drank invisible ink... I'm now in hospital, waiting to be seen"

"Accidentally just closed 32 tabs on my computer browser..."

"Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 7"

"Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties"

"According to my nipples, spring isn't here yet"

"According to my nipples, summer is over"

"According to my nipples, summer's over"

"According to my nipples, there's a 99% chance it's cold as fuck outside"

"According to my nipples, there's a ninety-nine percent chance it's cold as fuck outside"

"Accordion to research, most people will not notice musical instruments appearing within sentences"

"Accounting is the language of business"

Acela Primary or Amtrak Primary (Northeast presidential primaries)

"Achieved a new personal best in the 100 yard dash today -- 43 yards"

"Acknowledge the corn" (to confess or acknowledge a charge)

"Alcoholics don't run in my family. They stumble around breaking stuff"

Acquikill (acquire + kill)

"Acres and acres, and she's all mine!" (Texas size joke)

Acropolis of America (Morningside Heights)

"Act before you think" (acting adage)

"Act your wage"

"Acting is behaving truthfully under imaginary circumstances"

"Acting is living truthfully under imaginary circumstances"

"Acting is reacting" (acting adage)

"Acting is the ability to dream on cue"

"Actions speak louder than words, but not nearly as often"

"Actor can read the telephone book" (actor's saying)

"Actor: What's my motivation? / Director: Your salary"

"Actors have to dream to order"

Actors Stewdio (Jim Downey's Steak House nickname)

Actors Stewdio (nickname of Jim Downey's Steak House, near the Actors Studio)

"Acupuncture is a jab well done"

"Acute alcoholic: an attractive drunk"

"Adam and Eve lived appley ever after"

Adam and Eve on a raft (poached eggs on toast)

"Adam and Eve: The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions"

"Adam and Eve weren't Chinese. They would have sold the apple and eaten the snake"

"Adblock should buy out Times Square and replace signs with 'This ad blocked by Adblock'"

"'Addict' makes it sound so negative. Let's just say I have a high coffee absorbency rate"

Adding "public advocate" to the OED

"Adding 'showed up to work during the apocalypse' to my résumé"

Addisonian (inhabitant of Addison)

Adirondack Bear Paw or Adirondack Black Bear (ice cream)

Administration's Press (Associated Press or AP nickname)

Admiral's Row or Officer's Row (Brooklyn Navy Yard buildings)

Adobo Sauce

Adopt-a-Highway

"Adult friendship is really just shooting off texts like yes hello I'm not dead yet can I arrange to see you in four to six weeks"

"Adult life is a constant cycle of 'I just need to get through this week', every week..."

"Adult life is hard, but at least we don't have to do P.E anymore"

"Adult life may be difficult, but at least we don't have to do P.E. anymore"

"Adult life might be full of pain and suffering, but at least we don't have to do P.E. anymore"

"Adult on board. I want to live too!" (vehicle sign)

"Adult with autism on board" (vehicle sign)

"Adulthood has showed me that you really don't need fun to have alcohol"

"Adulthood has shown me that you really don't need fun to have alcohol"

"Adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street & then getting hit by an airplane"

"Adulthood is shopping for office supplies instead of school supplies"

"Adulting be like: Paycheck: $624.42 Bills: $597.63"

"Adulting is soup and I am a fork"

"Adults are just kids who owe money"

"Adults are just kids with money"

"Adults on board. We want to live too!" (vehicle sign)

"Adventures in Heroism" (Intrepid Sea-Air-Space Museum)

Adventures NYC

"Adversity causes some men to break; others to break records"

"Adversity doesn't build character -- it reveals it"

"Adversity introduces a man to himself"

"Advertising helps raise the standard of living by raising the standard of longing"

"Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on"

"Advertising is what you pay for; publicity is what you pray for"

Adzillatron (Darrell K. Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium scoreboard nickname)

Seagan (sea + vegan)

Aer Fungus or Air Fungus (Aer Lingus nickname)

"Aerobics: a series of strenuous exercises..."

Aeroflop (Aeroflot nickname)

Aerosplat (Aeroflot nickname)

"Afraid of not getting what you ordered with online shopping? Try online dating!"

African American Day Parade

African Diaspora Film Festival & African Diaspora Summer Film Series

Africa's Big Apple (Lagos nickname)

"After 30, you can’t eat Taco Bell and have sex in the same day"

"After 40, you can’t have Taco Bell and sex in the same day"

"After 8 beers I was dangerously weaving in the middle of the road..." (joke)

"After all the eating I did over the holidays, I am happy to report that my socks still fit"

"After all the stupid things I’ve done in my life, if I die because I touched my face..."

"After all this bullshit, we better be in the next bible"

"After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them"

"After dinner, my wife asked me if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it"

"After drinking whiskey, driving is risky"

"After drinking whisky, driving is risky"

"After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn’t want to eat..."

"After I drink coffee, I show my empty mug to the IT guy and say I've successfully installed Java"

"After I drink coffee, I show my empty mug to the IT guy and say I've successfully installed Java"

"After I finish my morning cup of coffee, I like to take a break and have a cup of coffee"

"After I'm done snacking, I have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a black jack dealer"

"After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF"

"After playing guitar for years, I thought I could learn to play the piano..."

"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging"

"After six months of listening to people talk with masks on..."

"After spending any amount of time on social media you can understand..."

"After watching how some people wear their masks, I understand why contraception fails"

"After whiskey, driving risky"

"After whisky, driving risky"

"After winning, I threw the ball into the crowd. Apparently, that's unacceptable in bowling"

"After work, I volunteer to help blind children" (joke)

Afterburners (Jalapeño Shrimp Poppers)

AG (Attorney General or Aspiring Governor)

"Age and glasses of wine should never be counted"

"Age doesn't matter unless you're a cheese"

Agent Orange Corn (GE corn)

Agflation (agriculture + inflation)

Agg Town or Aggtown (Arlington nickname)

Aggie Jokes

Aggie Punch

Aggie (Texas A&M nickname)

Agita (Agida; Acida)

"Agree with me on 9 of 12 issues, vote for me. Agree on 12 of 12, see a psychiatrist" (Ed Koch)

"Agriculture majors who become farmers always find a job in their field"

"Ah, nothing like the smell of freshly brewed magical psychotic rage stabilizer in the morning"

"Ahmed walks into Abbar..." (bar joke)

AIDS Walk

"Aim so high that others will think you're crazy"

Aimez-vous Glamis (name used to avoid the "Macbeth" curse)

AINO (American In Name Only)

Ain't I Greedy or Aren't I Greedy (American International Group or AIG nickname)

"Ain’t it weird liberals celebrate Women’s History Month when they can’t even tell you what a woman is"

"Ain't no fuckin way that whole Siberian Orchestra is trans"

"Ain't no sunshine when cheese gone"

Ain't Really Men Yet ("army" backronym)

"Aioli have eyes for you"

"Aioli is just bougie mayonnaise"

"Aioli is just mayo that studied abroad"

"Aioli is just mayonnaise that did a semester abroad"

Air Chance (Air France nickname)

"Air conditioning implies the existence of air shampooing"

Air Conditioning in a Glass (Rickey cocktail nickname)

"Air fryers are easy bake ovens for adults"

"Air fryers are the easy bake ovens many of us never got as children"

Air Fungus or Aer Fungus (Aer Lingus nickname)

"Air Jordan implies the existence of Water Jordan, Earth Jordan, and Fire Jordan"

"Air Jordans imply the existence of Water Jordans, Earth Jordans and Fire Jordans"

Airforce Rejected Me Yesterday ("army" backronym)

Airline Food (Airplane Food)

"Airline pilots are the truckers of the sky"

Airmageddon (air + Armageddon)

Airmelon (air + melon; jocular formation after "watermelon")

"Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you"

Airpocalypse (air + apocalypse)

Airport Test (employee selection test)

Airport Test (Pittsburgh Airport Test)

"Airports are like post offices for humans"

"Airports are like post offices for people"

Aisle Hog

"AK -- means the gun was manufactured in Alaska" (joke)

Akaushi Beef (Akaushi Cattle)

Al-CIAda (Al-Qaeda + CIA)

Al Dante (al dente + Dante Alighieri)

Al Pastor (Cabrito Al Pastor; Carne Al Pastor; Tacos Al Pastor)

Al-Reuters or Al Reutzeera (Reuters nickname)

Alabama: Lizard (nickname)

Alabama: Yellowhammer State (nickname)

Alain Locke and Harlem Renaissance as the "Big Apple" (1920s; suggested in 1988)

Alambres (Mexican Shish Kebab)

Alamo (black cube at Astor Place)

Alamo Bowl

Alamo Burger

Alamo City (San Antonio nickname)

"Alamo has no back door" (Maury Maverick, Jr.)

"Alarm clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack"

Alaska: The Last Frontier (nickname)

Albany: Albany Beef

Albany, Buffalo, New York, Rochester, Syracuse, Yonkers: Big Six (nickname)

Albany, Buffalo, Rochester, Syracuse, Utica, Yonkers: Big Six (nickname)

Albany: Politicana (nickname)

Albany: Steamed Hams (hamburgers)

Albany: Sturgeondom (nickname)

Albany: "What is the Easter bunny's favorite state capital?"/"Albunny, New York."

Albatross (golf score)

"Alcohol and calculus don't mix -- never drink and derive"

"Alcohol - Because no good story starts with someone eating a salad"

"Alcohol...Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative"

"Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk"

"Alcohol helps to remove the stress, the tension, the bra, the panties and a host of other problems"

"Alcohol increases the size of the 'send' button by 90%"

"Alcohol is a good preservative for everything but brains"

"Alcohol is bad for my legs."/ "Do they swell?"/ "No, they spread."

"Alcohol is karaoke fuel"

"Alcohol is like a push-up bra for your personality"

"Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is 'What is C2H5OH?'"

"Alcohol is not the answer; it just makes you forget the question"

"Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop"

"Alcohol is the WD-40 for my brain"

"Alcohol is the WD40 of social interactions"

"Alcohol is yeast urine"

"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy"

"Alcohol may be the road to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route"

"'Alcohol may intensify the results of this medication.' Is this a warning or a suggestion?"

"Alcohol (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together"

"Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can't get the straw in the hole..."

"Alcohol: The WD40 for conversations"

"Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms should be a convenience store, not a government agency"

"Alcohol, what's that? It's not in my vodkabulary, but let me check in Whiskypedia"

"Alcohol you later"

"Alcoholic? No, my dear, I prefer the term 'drinking enthusiast'"

"Alcoholic seltzer is millennial Zima"

"Alcoholism is a disease. Get your shots here!" (bar sign)

"Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it"

"Alderman, your saloon is on fire!"

"Alexa, check my bank balance and tell me which Apple product can I buy?"/"Apple juice."

"Alexa. delete my belly"

"Alexa, do the dishes"

"Alexa, homeschool my kids"

"Alexa, homeschool the children"

"Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations"

"Alexa, wash the dishes"

Alexander/Gin Alexander/Brandy Alexander/Coffee Alexander (cocktail)

Algebro (algebra + bro)

Algonquin Cocktail

Algonquin Hotel ("Gonk" & the "Round Table")

Alibi Ike

ALICE (Asset Limited, Income Constrained, Employed)

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse"

"All bags of M&Ms are family size when you're an orphan"

"All bananas are strippers"

"All barbecue experts are self-proclaimed"

"All bets are off in bankruptcy"

"All broth and no beans"

All Bullshit Channel (ABC nickname)

All But Dissertation (ABD)

"All Cognac is brandy, but not all brandy is Cognac"

"All Communists Are Bastards" (ACAB)

"All Coppers Are Bastards" (ACAB)

"All Cops Are Bastards" (ACAB)

"All countries got Coronavirus eventually, but China got it right off the bat"

"All Cows Eat Grass" (ACEG music mnemonic)

"All currencies eventually go to zero"

All Day I Dream About Sports (Adidas backronym)

All Dressed Bagel

All Dressed Hot Dog

All Dressed Pizza

"All drugs are 'safe and effective' when they're making billions of dollars"

"All eggs are poached eggs"

"All gaps eventually get filled"

"All gave some, some gave all"

"All governments lie about everything and you are programmed not to question anything..."

"All gurgle and no guts"

"All hotel rooms look the same with the lights off"

"All I ask is if we arm the teachers, the librarians get silencers"

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy"

"All I could get on screen were pics of plates of stew. Turned out to be a wireless hotpot"

"All I could get on screen were pics of plates of stew. Turned out to be a wireless hotpot"

"All I do is work, go home, blink a few times then it's back to work"

"All I know about today is that coffee will be involved"

"All I know for certain about today is that coffee will be involved"

"All I need is coffee & mascara"

"All I need is mascara and caffeine"

"All I need today is a little bit of coffee and a whole lot of Jesus”

"All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt"

"All I want for Christmas is a self-cleaning house"

"All I want for Christmas is to be off the car extended warranty call list"

"All I want is a two-income household and to live alone"

"All I want is food, cuddles, attention and exercise. I'm basically a puppy"

"All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and more pay for not getting it done"

"All I want is my kids to go to sleep so I can watch shows with bad words and eat hidden snacks"

"All I want is peace, love, understanding, and a chocolate bar bigger than my head"

"All I want is someone to love me like I love coffee"

"All ice dispensers have only two settings: 1.No ice; 2.Holy Mother of God, that's too much ice!!!"

"All I'm saying is you've never seen me crying and drinking coffee at the same time"

"All I’m saying is you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time"

All Investments Gone (American International Group or AIG nickname)

"All lawyers are jerks" (lawyer joke)

"All men are created equal, and then a few become firefighters"

"All money is both 'hard' and 'easy' -- hard to get and easy to spend"

"All mothers were summoned when George Floyd called out for his momma"

"All mushrooms are edible, but some mushrooms are only edible once"

"All music is folk music. I ain't never heard a horse sing a song"

"All my life I have called it a cookie sheet and today I heard someone call it a cooking sheet"

"All my life I thought air was free...until I bought a bag of chips"

"All my passwords are protected by amnesia"

"All NYC subway stations are in the same building, there's just really long hallways"

"All of us could take a lesson from the weather -- it pays no attention to criticism"

"All of us stuck at home should call random numbers in India & ask about the extended car warranty"

"All organizations that are not actually right-wing will over time become left-wing"

"All our customers bring happiness. Some by coming, others by going"

"All our guests bring happiness. Some by coming, others by going"

"All our visitors bring happiness. Some by coming, others by going"

"All our waiters are married. They know how to take orders" (restaurant sign)

"All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can eat the hidden snacks"

"All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats"

"All pets and some children must be kept on a leash" (sign)

"All politics is local"

"All porpoise flour is NOT dolphin safe"

"All pro athletes are bilingual; they speak English and profanity"

"All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors"

"All publicity is good publicity" ("There is no such thing as bad publicity")

"All-purpose flour has a limited number of uses"

"All roads that lead to success have to pass through Hard Work Boulevard at some point"

"All show and no go"

"All suspect milk is innocent until proven guilty in a quart of law"

"All that and a bag of chips" (intensifier of "all that")

"All that and a plate of fries" ("All that and a plate of chips")

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing"

"All the coffee in Colombia won't make me a morning person"

"All the gold in Fort Knox" (a large sum of money or riches)

"All the News That's Fit to Eat" (The Food Section)

"All the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair"

"All the scary things you claim would happen without the state are things that are currently..."

"All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening"

"All the young people today are stealing bus stop signs. Where do they get off?"

"All things are possible with coffee and mascara"

"All things are possible with coffee and a cute outfit"

"All things are possible with coffee and cowboy boots"

"All things are possible with tequila and lipstick"

"All things come to those who wait, but when they come they're out of date"

"All this anxiety better be burning calories"

"All those crosses along highways. Christians are terrible drivers"

"All we know about today is that coffee will be involved"

"All we know for certain about today is that coffee will be involved"

"All wine is mulled wine, if you think about it"

"All wine is mulled wine when you think about it"

"All work and no play will make you a manager"

"All You Can Eat"

"All you need for happiness is a good gun, a good horse, and a good wife"

"All you need in life are a few good friends and a few good drinks"

"All you need is a chip and a chair" (poker adage)

"All you need is love and a good cup of coffee"

"All you need is tea and warm socks" (winter saying)

"All you need is tea and warm socks" (winter saying)

"All you need to run is a pair of shoes" (running adage)

"Allagaroo!" (CCNY cheer)

Allergy Capital of the World (Austin nickname)

Allicin Wonderland (allicin + Alice in Wonderland)

Alligator Capital of Texas (Anahuac nickname)

Alligator in the sewers (urban myth)

Alligator Spread

"Allspice is only one spice"

"Allspice is the most arrogantly named spice"

Almighty Dollar

Almond Boneless Chicken (ABC)

"Almond Joy implies the existence of Almond Despair"

"Almond Joy implies the existence of Almond Sadness"

"Almond milk coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle"

"Almond milk is for baby almonds"

"Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars"

Almost Broadcasting Company (ABC nickname)

"Alpha, Delta and Omicron walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Alphabet City (East Village, Manhattan)

Alphabet City (Google/Alphabet Inc. in Chelsea)

Alphabet City (Google/Alphabet Inc. in Chelsea)

Alphabet Mafia

Alphabet Mafia (media companies)

Alphabet Network (ABC nickname)

Alphabet Soup

Alphabet Soup (agency names)

"Alphabet soup? More like Times New Ramen, am I right?"

"Alphabet spaghetti on toast is delicious. Spread the word"

Already Been Canceled (ABC nickname)

Already Been Cancelled (ABC nickname)

Alt Left

Alternate side of the street parking

"Alternative medicine that works is called medicine"

"Although COVID-19 spreads mostly via the mouth and nose, scientists now conclude..."

"Although Jesus was known as a Carpenter, he never actually sang on any of the albums"

Aluminati (aluminum + Illuminati, and jocularly associated with tinfoil hats)

"Always a Pleasure" (Nedick's)

"Always ask for a receipt because you never know when you'll need an alibi"

"Always Be Clicking" ("ABC" of the Internet)

"Always Be Closing" ("ABC" of selling)

"Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it"

"Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman. Then always be Batman"

"Always borrow money from a pessimist -- he doesn't expect to be paid back"

Always Broadcasting Crap (ABC nickname)

"Always buy a bigger bottle than you think you'll need. Better safe than sober"

"Always buy the bigger bottle... Better safe than sober"

"Always carry whiskey in case of snakebite -- furthermore, always carry a small snake"

"Always check, it may be mate" (chess adage)

"Always dress like it’s the best day of your life"

"Always get the big bottle. Better safe than sober"

"Always jingle all the way! Nobody likes a half-assed jingler"

"Always keep a bottle of tequila in the fridge for special occasions. You know, like Tuesday"

"Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes a special occasion..."

"Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know, like Monday"

"Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know, like Wednesday"

"Always keep tequila in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is..."

Always Late In Takeoff, Always Late In Arrival (Alitalia backronymic nickname)

"Always look on the bright cider life"

"Always Open" (nyc.gov)

"Always pre-heat the oven before putting the meat in"

"Always preheat the oven before you put the meat in"

"Always Real, Always Harlem" (Coca-Cola slogan)

"Always remember, the first four letters in 'butter' is where it's gonna go"

Always Seek Knowledge ("ask" backronym)

Always Think Forfeiture (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives or ATF nickname)

"Always together, never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart"

"Always writing my name in cursive is my signature move"

"Am I getting older or has the supermarket begun playing great music"

"Am I getting older or is the supermarket playing great music"

"Am I going to put the Christmas tree up myself? No, I'm going to put it up in the living room!"

"Am I perfect? No. But am I trying to be a better person? Also no"

"Am I supposed to ask for followers? Asking for a friend"

Amabot (Amazon.com employee nickname)

Amarilloan (inhabitant of Amarillo)

"Amateurs manage money by taking risk; professionals manage risk by taking money"

"Amateurs open the market, but professionals close it" (Wall Street adage)

"Amateurs talk strategy. Professionals talk logistics"

"Amateurs teach amateurs to be amateurs"

Amateursecco (amateur + Prosecco)

Amazin' Mets (Amazins)

"Amazon fire, Apple air, Google earth -- now it's time for Microsoft water"

"Amazon is basically Acme from the Roadrunner cartoons"

"Amazon trucks should play a jingle so we know they're coming"

"Amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming"

"Amazon trucks should play a song just like the ice cream trucks do"

Amazon Washington Post (Washington Post nickname)

Amazonesia (Amazon + amnesia)

Amazonnesia (Amazon + amnesia)

Amber Alert

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy"

"Ambition is for people who don't have enough sense to be lazy"

"Ambition is putting a ladder against the sky"

"Ambition is the first step to success. The second step is action"

"Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in"

Ambrosia

Ambulance Chaser

Ambulance Chasing

Amcrap (Amtrak nickname)

Amcrash (Amtrak nickname)

"Amen and awomen"

Amen Corner

"America: A nation of sheep, owned by pigs, ruled by wolves"

"America at this point in history is like the collapse of the Roman Empire but with WiFi"

"America is a healthy body; its resistance is its patriotism, morality and spiritual life"

"America is being conditioned to view freedom as selfishness"

"America is great because she is good"

"America is the best country in the nation"

"America is the first nation in history founded on an idea"

"America is the greatest country in the nation"

"America is the only country in the world where even people who hate it refuse to leave"

"America is the only country in the world where even those who hate it refuse to leave"

"America is where a young man can start at the bottom and work his way into a hole"

"America isn't the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest"

"America sure is having some bad luck. It's like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground"

"America: Texas and 49 bitches"

"America the Beautiful" (1902 revisions)

"America: The country so great that even its haters refuse to leave"

"America: The land where God saves and Satan invests" (anti-NRA slogan)

"America will never be destroyed from the outside"

"America will never forgive blacks for slavery"

"America without her soldiers would be like God without His angels"

Americagasm or Amerigasm (America + orgasm)

"American by birth. Patriot by choice"

"American cheese is just regular cheese that's not afraid to fight for freedom!"

"American chess players be like, 'That's a checkbro'"

American Chop Suey

American Communist Lawyers Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

American Communist Lovers Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

"American conservatives are pretty homophobic for people so proud of their four fathers"

American Crafts Festival; Autumn Crafts Festival

American Criminal Liberties Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

American Criminal Lovers Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

American Dream

American Exceptionalism

"American wasabi is just really spicy horseradish dyed green"

"American Idol can count 130 million votes during a commercial break. No excuse for this"

"American Idol can count 130 million votes in a commercial break. This is annoying"

American-in-Waiting

American-Jewish Plymouth Rock (Lower East Side)

American Moron Association (American Medical Association or AMA nickname)

American Morons Association (American Medical Association or AMA nickname)

American Murder Association (American Medical Association or AMA nickname)

American Murderers Association (American Medical Association or AMA nickname)

American Parasite (Candida nickname)

American Pizza (pizza topped with hot dogs and french fries)

"American politics are played between the 40-yard lines"

American Pravda (Associated Press or AP nickname)

American Pravda (CNN nickname)

American Riviera

American Spring

American Stinker (American Thinker nickname)

"Americans are getting stringer. 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries"

"Americans are getting stronger. 20 years ago, it took two people to carry $100 in groceries"

"Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took 2 people to carry $10 worth of groceries"

"Americans have more food to eat than any other people and more diets to keep them from eating it"

"Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns"

"Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns"

"Americans prefer houses with basements. They're best cellars"

"Americans talk dry, but drink sweet" (wine adage)

"Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic"

"America's chickens are coming home to roost"

America's Cup (Damon Runyon's "watching grass grow")

America's First Suburb (Brooklyn Heights)

"America's gun problem? Too few people carry one"

"America's Labor Bank" (Amalgamated Bank)

America's Mad Playground (Coney Island)

America's Mayor

America's Most Interesting City (New Orleans nickname)

"America's Motor Lunch" & "A Tasty Meal Served at Your Wheel" (Pig Stand slogans)

America's National Credit Card

America's Sweethearts (Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders nickname)

America's Team (Dallas Cowboys)

Amerikkka or AmeriKKKa (America + Ku Klux Klan)

Ameritopia (America + utopia)

Ameritude (America + attitude)

Amero (proposed North American currency)

Amhole (Amazon.com employee nickname)

Ammosexual (ammo + sexual)

Amquack (Amtrak nickname)

Amsterdam: Carpet City (nickname)

"Amtrak implies the existence of Aretrak and Istrak"

Amtrak of the Sky (nickname of various airlines)

Amtrak Series or New Jersey Turnpike Series or I-95 Series or Liberty Series (Philadelphia vs. NY)

Amtrak with Wings (Delta Airlines nickname)

Amtrash (Amtrak nickname)

"An accountant is a man hired to explain that you didn't make the money you did"

"An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had"

"An acid and a base walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An acre of performance is worth a whole world of promise"

"An active mind cannot exist in an inactive body"

"An actor without a playwright is like a hole without a doughnut"

"An actuary is a someone who wanted to be an accountant, but didn't have the personality for it"

"An advertising agency is 85 per cent confusion and 15 per cent commission"

"An after-dinner speech -- 'Check, please'"

"An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor, but not right away"

"An airplane doesn't make money sitting on the ground" (airline adage)

"An alcoholic is someone who drinks more than his doctor"

"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do"

"An allusion walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An alpaca had a parasite removed from around its mouth. It was alpaca lip tick"

"An amateur photographer worries about equipment..." (photography aphorism)

"An amnesiac walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An anagramist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An anteater walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An anti-Semite is someone who hates Jews more than is strictly necessary"

"An apology is a promise to do things differently next time, and to keep the promise"

"An aposiopesis walks into a -- " (bar joke)

"An apple a day is bullshit. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White..."

"An apple a day is nonsense. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White..."

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away"

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everybody away"

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor is cute, forget the fruit"

"An Apple fan walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An apple for (the) teacher" (apple-polisher)

"An apple pie without the cheese is like a kiss without the squeeze"

An apple tree on every street (2013 movie explanation)

"An apple a day will keep anyone away, if thrown hard enough"

"An archaeologist is just a grave robber with a degree"

"An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject"

"An armed man is a free man"

"An armed man is a free man. An unarmed man is a slave"

"An armed man is a free man. An unarmed man is a subject"

"An armed man ran into a real estate agency and shouted, 'Nobody move!'"

"An armed society is a polite society"

"An army is like spaghetti -- you can pull it, but not push it"

"An aspect of democracy is the belief that everyone is expected to have an opinion on everything"

"An atheist is a man who buys a ticket to the Notre Dame-SMU game and doesn't care who wins"

"An athlete dies twice" (sports proverb)

"An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar..." (joke)

"An auditor is a watchdog, not a bloodhound"

"An Australian marsupial hops into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An easy way to make your water taste better is to simply add coffee"

"An economist finds something working in practice and wonders if it will work in theory"

"An economist is a man who knows tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today"

"An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible"

"An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's"

"An educated citizenry is a vital requisite for our survival as a free people"

"An Educated Consumer Is Our Best Customer" (Syms Clothing)

"An eel walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An egg salad sandwich is still technically a chicken salad sandwich"

"An ego and a superego walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An electrician arrives home at 3 a.m. His wife asks him, 'Wire you insulate?'"

"An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications"

"An elf walks into a bar. A dwarf walks under it" (bar joke)

"An elf walks into a bar. A hobbit walks under it" (bar joke)

"An email after 3pm on a Friday is next week's concern"

"An empty bottle walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An empty fortune cookie is very unfortunate"

"An empty stomach is not a good political adviser"

"An engineer, a doctor and a priest are playing golf" (joke)

"An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel..." (joke)

"An English teacher walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman don't walk into a bar" (bar joke)

"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. Those were the days" (bar joke)

"An epidemiologist, an ICU doctor and a scientist all walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An espresso martini is just a classy Four Loko"

"An espresso martini is just a Four Loko with a 401k"

"An espresso martini is the rich man’s Four Loko"

"An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An executive is a man who makes quick decisions and is sometimes right"

"An exhaustive list of decisions I need the government to make for me: [blank lines]"

"An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money"

"An Experience at Every Table" (Benihana)

"An expert is a man who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy"

"An expert is a person who has made every possible mistake in a small field of study"

"An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less"

"An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame"

"An honest politician, a generous lawyer, and Santa Claus..." (joke)

"An ice cream man's success is literally defined by how well they can lure children"

"An ice cube is just a loaf of water"

"An idea is just a dream until you write it down, and then it's a goal"

"An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it"

"An ignorant thief robs a freight-car. An educated thief steals the whole railroad."

"An ill wind that nobody blows good" (musical instrument joke)

"An ill wind that nobody blows good" (musical instrument joke)

"An income is what you can't live without or within"

"An income tax form is like a laundry list—either way you lose your shirt"

"An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer"

"An Indian flatbread currency would be naan cents"

"An infectious disease walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An informed citizen will always be the biggest threat to the system"

"An infra-red photon walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An inkjet cartridge walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An insect landed on my soft French cheese, briefly"

"An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows"

"An Intimate Place to Learn, in the Heart of a Great City" (York Prep)

"An investment banker has good news and bad news" (joke)

"An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest"

"An investment portfolio is like a bar of soap; the more you touch it, the smaller it gets"

"An Irishman can argue either side of a question, often at the same time"

"An Irishman walks out of a bar" (bar joke)

"An IT guru walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An Italian restaurant served pasta cooked out of the eighth circle of hell. It was al Dante"

An ocean on one side and New Jersey on the other.

"An odd day. Found a hat full of money, then got chased by a guy with a guitar"

"An old lady at the Indian restaurant said, 'Aren't you polite!' It was my complimentary nan"

"An omelet is just an egg quesadilla"

"An omelette is just an egg quesadilla"

"An onion will make you cry, but they never have invented a vegetable that will make you laugh"

"An onion will make you cry, but they never have invented a vegetable that will make you laugh"

"An opinion without 3.14 is just an onion"

"An optimist is a person who has no trouble seeing the bright side of your problems"

"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day"

"An optimist laughs to forget and an pessimist forgets to laugh"

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year"

"An ounce of behavior is worth a pound of words" (acting adage)

"An Oxford comma walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An oxymoron walked into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An SEO copywriter walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house…” (bar joke)

"An SEO copywriter walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house..." (joke)

"An SQL query goes into a restaurant..." (joke)

"An SQL query walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it"

"An unemployed jester is nobody's fool"

"An utter waste is defined as a busload of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats"

"An X-ray specialist married one of his patients. Everybody wondered what he saw in her"

Anadama Bread

"Analogy is not the study of buttholes"

"Anarchism is the radical notion that other people are not your property"

"Anarchism is the revolutionary idea that no one is more qualified than you are to decide your life"

"Anarchism is the revolutionary idea that you are not state property"

"Anarchism: The radical notion that other people are not your property"

"Anarchists of the world, unite!"

"Anarchists when they discover that they have a body part called the 'prostate'"

"Anarchists when they find out they have a prostate and not an antistate" (joke)

"Anarchists when they realize there's a part of their body called the 'prostate'" (joke)

"Anarchists when they realize they have an organ called the "prostate'" (joke)

"Anarcho-Tyranny -- the worst of both worlds"

"Anarchy doesn't mean chaos or disorder. It means freedom from an oppressive centralised authority"

"Anarchy doesn’t mean chaos or disorder, it means freedom from an oppressive centralized authority"

"Anarchy doesn't mean out of control. It means out of their control"

"Anarchy is better than no government at all"

"Anarchy is the radical notion that other people are not your property"

"Anarchy is the revolutionary idea that no one is more qualified than you are to decide your life"

Anchor Democrat (anchor baby + Democrat)

Anchorman or Anchor Man (America's Anchorman)

"... And all I got was this lousy T-shirt"

"And crown thy good Red Riding Hood" ("America the Beautiful" mondegreen)

"And crown thy good with Robin Hood" ("America the Beautiful" mondegreen)

"And gradually, though no one remembers exactly how it happened, the unthinkable becomes tolerable"

"And here we fucking go again. I mean, good morning"

"And in the end mankind used so much toilet paper, they wiped themselves out"

"And it's gone" (money quickly lost)

"And nobody got hurt!"

"And on the 8th day God made coffee" ("And on the eighth day God made coffee")

"And on the eighth day God made coffee" ("And on the 8th day God made coffee")

"And so ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich"

"And the donut just stood there with a glazed expression"

"And the horse you rode in on"

"And the Lord said unto John, 'Come forth and receive eternal life!'" (joke)

"...and then I was like, I'm just going to pour myself a bottle of wine and call it a day"

"And then the people said 'no.' The end"

"And to the republic for Richard Sands" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"And to the republic for Richard Stands" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"And to the republic for Richard Stans" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"And to the republic for Richard Stanz" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"And to the republic for witches dance" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"And today's forecast... You gon' have swamp ass"

Angel Bond

Angel Food Cake (Angel Cake)

"Angel investors imply the existence of devil investors"

"Anger management classes are all the rage"

"Anger management courses are now all the rage"

Angertainment (anger+ entertainment)

Angry Lobster; Drunken Donuts

"Animal lovers don't eat animals"

"Animal rights are human rights"

"Animals are here with us, not for us"

"Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends"

"Animals belong in our hearts, not in our stomachs"

"Animals belong in our hearts, not our stomachs"

"Animals belong in your heart, not your stomach"

"Annoy a conservative -- think for yourself"

"Annoy a liberal -- work hard & be happy"

"Annoy a politician today -- THINK"

"Annual reminder that heart shaped pizza is less pizza for the same amount of money"

"Another beer bottle with no genie at the bottom. I'll keep looking"

"Another bourbon bottle with no genie at the bottom. I guess I will keep searching"

"Another day, another dollar"

"Another day has passed and I didn't use Algebra once"

"Another egg-scuse for chocolate"

"Another fine day ruined by responsibility"

"Another wine bottle emptied with no genie at the bottom. I'll keep trying"

"Another wine bottle with no genie in the bottom of it. I'll keep looking"

Antarctichoke or Antartichoke (Antarctica + artichoke)

Antartichoke or Antarctichoke (Antarctica + artichoke)

Anti-Christian Lawsuit Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

Anti-Christian Lawyers Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

Anti-Christian Liberals Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

Anti-Christian Litigation Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

Anti-Christian Litigation Unit (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

Anti-Dollar (gold nickname)

Anti-Infective Vitamin (Vitamin A nickname)

"Anti-science is reading a notice on a mask box that it doesn't protect against viruses..."

Anti-Semitism

Anti-Social Distancing

Anti-Sterility Vitamin (Vitamin E nickname)

Anti-Stress Mineral (magnesium nickname)

Anti-Stress Vitamin (Pantothenic Acid or Vitamin B5 nickname)

Anti-fooder

Antimasker

Antique Media

Antiques Row or Antiques District (Atlantic Avenue)

Antisecco (anti + Prosecco)

Anti-vaccer (Antivaccer)

Anti-vaxer (Antivaxer)

Anti-vaxxer (Antivaxxer)

Antojitos ("little whims" or Mexican appetizers/snacks)

Antonette's Leap (Mount Bonnell in Austin)

Ants Climbing a Tree (Ma Yi Shang Shu or Mayishangshu)

Ants on a Log (Bugs on a Log)

"Ants on a log, floating down the river to the waterfall" (bureaucracy)

Any Body Can Dance ("ABCD" backronym)

"Any bug can hit the windshield, but it takes guts to stick"

"Any country with 'democratic' in the title isn't"

"Any golf course plays hard when the wind blows" (golf adage)

"Any government body that mandates something that they exempt themselves from..."

"Any government that wages psychological warfare on its own citizens..."

"Any guy who plays heavy metal at work is office rocker"

"Any jackass can kick a barn down, but it took a carpenter to build it" (Sam Rayburn)

"Any jar can be a swear jar if you can't open the lid"

"Any jar is a swear jar if you can't open the lid"

"Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except for abortion jokes. There is no delivery"

"Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the government take care of him..."

"Any party which takes credit for the rain must take blame for the drought"

"Any pie made with cannabis butter is technically a pot pie"

"Any room is a panic room if you have lost your phone in it"

"Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you add 23 knives"

"Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough"

"Any sandwich is a panini if you sit on it"

"Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses"

"Any team can have a bad century" ("Anyone can have a bad century")

"Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed"

"Any wine can be a 'fine' wine if you drink enough of it"

"Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first"

"Any writing problem is a reporting problem"

"Anybody can make a baby, but you need a license to fish"

"Anybody can manage the Yankees"

"Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?"

"Anybody know when Walmart is sending out W2s for self checkout?"

"Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography"

"Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop"

"Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire"

Anyone Can Come (Austin Community College/ACC nickname)

"Anyone can steer the ship in calm waters"

"Anyone can use my French Revolution joke. It's royalty free"

"Anyone else boil the kettle twice? Just in case the boiling water has gone cold..."

"Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I've been wearing a mask..."

"Anyone else need their money facing the same way, right side up to prevent the world from exploding?"

"Anyone else starting to get a tan from the light in your refrigerator?"

"Anyone else think Pokémon characters Koffing and Weezing look similar to the Coronavirus?"

"Anyone else’s car getting 3 weeks to the gallon?" (quarantine joke)

"Anyone fell in love with me yet or do I gotta keep posting memes"

"Anyone know how much vodka goes in the mashed potatoes?"

"Anyone know how much vodka goes into scrambled eggs?"

"Anyone know what whiskey barrels are made of? Casking for a friend"

"Anyone trying to disarm you is not your friend"

"Anyone trying to disarm you is your enemy"

"Anyone who believes in exponential growth in a finite world is either a madman or an economist"

"Anyone who can't get drunk by midnight ain't tryin'" (Toots Shor)

"Anyone who ever worked at Twitter is now either an ex-employee or an X employee"

"Anyone who goes to see a psychiatrist should have his head examined"

"Anyone who lives within his means suffers from a lack of imagination"

"Anyone who plays heavy metal at work is office rocker"

"Anyone who says 'good morning' on a Monday is a sociopath"

"Anyone who says money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop"

"Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it"

"Anything can happen in Brooklyn"

"Anything I don't like should be banned. Everything I like should be a human right..."

"Anything I say before coffee cannot be used against me"

"Anything is deductible until you're audited"

"Anything is popsicle when I'm with you"

"Anything recommended by a stoned person comes highly recommended"

"Anything recommended by a stoned person is highly recommended"

"Anything worth doing is worth doing for money"

"Anywhere you leave your remote control becomes a remote location"

"Apartment complex implies the existence of a togetherment simple"

"Apartments should be called togetherments"

Apizza

Apodment (pod + apartment)

Apoplithorismosphobia (fear of deflation)

Aporkalypse (apocalypse + pork)

App Economy

Appalachian Mountains: "Did you know apples are grown on a mountain? It's called the Apple-achian."

"Apparently, a cat has caught COVID-19. Don’t ask meow!"

"Apparently 'cheesecake & tacos' wasn’t the answer when he asked me about my weaknesses"

"Apparently 'cheesecake & tacos' wasn’t the answer when he asked me about my weaknesses"

"Apparently, I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving"

"Apparently it takes men longer to shop on the internet than at an actual store"

"Apparently 'just fuck me up' is not a proper coffee order at Starbucks"

"Apparently 'just fuck me up' is not an appropriate coffee order at Starbucks"

"Apparently, mime on mime violence is a real problem. You just don't hear about it"

"Apparently, rush hour starts the second I put my key in the ignition, no matter what time I leave"

"Apparently 'spite' is not an appropriate answer to 'What motivates you?'"

"Apparently, the clocks go back in November. I can't remember where I got mine from!"

"Apparently, the clocks go back in October. I can't remember where I got mine from!"

"Apparently 'the vibes are off' isn’t a good excuse to leave work early"

"Apparently you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape. This is cruel and unfair"

"Appetizers imply the existence of deappetizers"

"Appetizers should really be called deappetizers because they make you less hungry"

Appetizing Store ("Appy")

Apple Annie & Apple Mary

Apple Awards (Guides Association of New York City)

Apple Awards (Guides Association of New York City, 2015-present)

Apple Bank for Savings (originally Haarlem Savings Bank)

Apple Bank (renamed from Harlem Savings Bank, 1983-present)

Apple Cider Donut (Apple Cider Doughnut)

"Apple cider is winter lemonade"

"Apple comes up" or "Feel the apple" or "Take the apple" (to choke; from Adam's apple)

"Apple" defined in Cab Calloway’s "Hepster’s Dictionary" (1938, 1944)

"Apple farmers in upstate New York were involved in cider trading"

"Apple is the default fruit"

Apple Jack Downing (cocktail)

"Apple" lyric in the Michael Jackson song "Human Nature" (1982)

"Apple" lyric in the Michael Jackson song "Human Nature" (1982)

Apple -- New York State Symbol (2007)

"Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes"

"Apple orchards, autumn skies, hot chocolate, and pumpkin pies"

Apple-picking (theft of Apple products)

Apple Pie Logs & Pizza Logs

Apple-Pie Order

Apple Pie Trail (Blue Mountains, Ontario; Orange County, NY)

Apple Polisher & Polish the Apple (I Love a Clean New York campaign, 1976-1980)

Apple Store (2000s)

Apple Week

Applejack

Applely Ever After

Apples a la Manhattan (Pommes a la Manhattan)

Apples and Horses

"Apples are tastier when you cut them into slices"

"Applesauce is not a sauce. It's a purée"

"Applesauce is the apple version of mashed potatoes"

Applesauce or Apple Sauce (slang for "nonsense")

Appley Ever After (Apple-y Ever After)

April 1st & the Bronx Zoo (Telephone Hoax)

"April 1st: the only day people critically evaluate things on the internet before believing them"

"April Fools' Day. Believe nothing and trust nobody. Just like any other day"

"April Fools' Day is over. Everything on the internet is true again!"

"April Fool's Day is the one day of the year when people critically evaluate news articles"

"April is the kindest month. April gets you out of your head and out working in the garden"

"April showers bring May mud"

"April showers bring May mud puddles"

"April showers bring mud"

"April showers bring mud puddles"

"Aprons are just adult bibs"

AQUA (Ascan Avenue/Queens Boulevard/Union Turnpike/Austin Street in Forest Hills)

Aquacise (aqua + exercise)

Aquacycling

Aquemuck (Aqueduct racetrack scandal)

"AR -- means the gun was manufactured in Arkansas" (joke)

Arabic Amenity (hotel tray of dates, dried fruit and nuts)

Arachibutyrophobia (fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of one's mouth)

"Arán is Irish for bread. It's gaelic bread"

Arbageddon (arbitrage + Armageddon)

Arbuckle (coffee)

"Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins"

"Archaeologists are just grave robbers with a degree"

"Archers study arrow dynamics"

"Archers understand arrow dynamics"

"Architects cover their mistakes with ivy"

"Architecture is a great profession, but a horrible business"

Archtober (architecture + October)

"Are abbreviations in sign language called 'shorthand'?"

"Are birth control pills tax-deductible?"/"Only if they don't work."

"Are donuts made out of hole wheat?"

"Are Girl Scout cookies made from real Girl Scouts?"

"Are locksmiths key workers?"

"Are monsters good at math?"/"No, unless you Count Dracula."

"Are people born with a photographic memories or does it take time to develop?"

"Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?"

"Are there any countries that tax their citizens and send some of it to Americans?"

"Are there doctors in New York since it's called the Big Apple?"

"Are those chopsticks in your pocket or are you just happy sashimi?"

"Are we having some drinks, or are we having some dranks? I need to dress accordingly"

"Are we really going to let a bunch of greedy selfish fools do-in this whole planet?"

"Are we still allowed to leave Santa milk and cookies? Or is that considered indoor dining now?"

"Are we still allowed to play pool....since we use a white ball to hit the colored balls"

"Are we there yet?"

"Are we there, Yeti?"

"Are you a banana? Because I found you a peeling!"

"Are you a cajun chef? Cause I wanna bayou dinner"

"Are you a pie maker? Cause you make my banana cream." (dirty joke)

"Are you a pole vaulter?"/"No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"

"Are you allowed to eat alphabet soup at a spelling bee?"

"Are you allowed to go into Starbucks if you don't have an Instagram account?"

"Are you allowed to go to Starbucks if you don’t have an Instagram account?"

"Are you an N95 mask? Cause I want you on my face" (pickup line)

"Are you chewing gum?"/"Do I look like chewing gum to you?"

"Are you coffee because I've bean thinking about you a latte"

"Are you free tonight or will it cost me?" (pick-up line)

"Are you from Harvard and can't count, or from MIT and can't read?" (supermarket checkout joke)

"Are you putting the Christmas tree up yourself?"/"No, I'm going to put it up in the living room!"

"Are you ready to rock...paper, scissors?"

"Are you supposed to tip the waiters here?" (joke)

"Are you watching too much TV, but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Problem solved"

"'Are your arms tired from holding five pieces of paper? You need a podium!' (podium salesman)"

"Area 51 is where they keep all of the Walmart cashiers"

"Aren't all books text books?"

Aren't Ready for the Marines Yet ("army" backronym)

"Aren't you supposed to call a doctor if your election lasts this long?"

Arepa ("Arepa Lady")

Arepera or Areperia (place that sells arepas)

"Arguing on the internet is like competing in the Special Olympics..."

"Arguing on the internet is like running in the Special Olympics..."

"Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement -- just click on 'I agree'"

Aristocrat of Harlem (Cotton Club nickname)

Aristocrat of the Village (Barney Gallant's nickname)

Arizona: "In Arizona we salt margaritas, not sidewalks"

"Arizona Tea is the adult version of Capri Sun"

Arizona: Valentine State (nickname)

Arkansas: "Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates"

Arkansas: "Arkansas is the only state mentioned in the Bible" (joke)

Arkansas: Bear State (nickname)

Arkansas: Land of Opportunity (nickname)

Arkansas: The Natural State (nickname)

Arkansas: Toothpick or Toothpicker (nickname)

Arkansas: Wonder State (nickname)

Arklatex (Ark-La-Tex, ArkLaTex, also Arklatexoma)

Arlingtonian (inhabitant of Arlington)

Arlingtonite (inhabitant of Arlington)

Armadillo Droppings (praline candy)

Armadillo Eggs (stuffed jalapeños)

Armchair Isolationism (Armchair Isolationist)

Armchair Quarterback (Armchair Quarterbacking)

"Arms are for hugging" (anti-nuke, gun control slogan)

"Arms change. Rights don't"

"Army Wife: Toughest job in the Army"

Arnold Palmer or Half-and-Half (lemonade + iced tea)

"Around Christmas, the Fanta company should send out a 'Fanta Claus' who gives out free soda"

"Around the corner where fudge is made" (the buttocks; the bathroom)

Arrestable (protester predetermined to be arrested)

"Arrive early, be the last to leave and kick ass all fucking day"

"Arrogance is ignorance matured"

"Arroz by any other name would go well with enchiladas"

"Arroz by any other name would smell as wheat"

"Arroz by any other name would smell like rice"

"Art is how we decorate space. Music is how we decorate time"

"Art teachers tell you there's no right or wrong in art, then tell you you're wrong"

"Arthur Murray Taught Me Dancing in a Hurry" (1942)

"Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)" (1981)

"Artichoke hearts imply the existence of artichoke atria and artichoke ventricles"

"Artichoke is the lobster of vegetables"

"Artichoke is the vegetarian's lobster"

"Artichokes are only grown in the northern hemisphere. Otherwise they're known as Antarctichokes"

"Artichokes imply the existence of antartichokes"

"Artichokes imply the existence of artiswallowwithoutincidents"

"Artichokes imply the existence of literaturechokes and sciencechokes"

Arugulance (arugula + arrogance)

"As a child: 'You're grounded.' As an adult: 'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm'"

"As a kid, did you ever knock on people’s doors and run away before they answered?" (UPS joke)

"As a rule, I don't drink -- as a habit, I do"

"As a wheat farmer, I keep having headaches, but my doctor insists it's just my grains"

"As American as apple pie"

"As an adult, checking the bank account is the equivalent of checking for monsters under the bed"

"As cool as the other side of the pillow"

"As crooked as Pearl Street"

"As for me and my house, we will serve tacos. Guacamole 24:7"

"As for me and my house, we will serve tacos. Margaritas 24:7"

"As for me and my house, we will serve tacos. Queso 24:7"

"As for me and my house, we will serve tacos. Salsa 24:7"

"As goes South Texas, so goes the U.S. crop"

"As goes Walmart, so goes America"

"As government expands, liberty contracts"

"As government grows, liberty decreases"

"As happy as a clam"

"As I get older, I remember all the people I've lost. Maybe a tour guide career wasn't for me"

"As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself you can't trust Google Maps"

"As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled"

"As Iowa goes, so goes Iowa" (Iowa caucus as bellwether)

"As it turns out, 93% of my personality was coffee"

"As it turns out, 93% of my personality was just coffee"

"As January goes, so goes the year" or "January Barometer" (Wall Street proverb)

"As long as there are final exams, there will be prayer in schools"

"As long as we have wine, the holidays will be fine"

"As mad as a hornet" ("Madder than a hornet")

"As Maine goes, so goes the nation"

"As safe as the Bank of England"

"As seen on TV" (advertising catchphrase)

"As soon as I put on my hospital gown, I knew the end was in sight"

"As soon as they put me in a hospital gown, I knew my end was in sight"

"As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something"

"As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something"

As Stoned As Possible (ASAP)

"As summer approaches, do we dig out our shorts or cut the legs off our pajamas?"

"As sure as a nectarine ain’t nothing but a bald-headed peach"

"As sure as God made little green apples"

"As the days get longer, the cold gets stronger" (weather proverb)

"As useful as an astray on a motorcycle" (not useful)

"As useless as the 'ea' in 'tea'"

"As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party"

"As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way"

"ASAP -- Always Stop And Pray"

"Ash heap of history" ("Scrap heap of history," "Garbage heap of history," "Dustbin of history")

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Life's a bitch, a drink is a must"

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, life's a bitch and beer's a must"

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Life's a bitch and coffee's a must"

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Life's a bitch, and vodka's a must"

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. When life's a bitch, whiskey's a must"

Asian Wall Street (San Gabriel Valley, CA)

Asiantation (Asian + orientation)

"Ask a basketball player for change of $1, get 75 cents back because no fourth quarter"

"Ask an atheist who's just had a great meal if he believes there's a cook"

"Ask for money and you get advice; ask for advice and you get money"

"Ask not why the children shouldn’t see drag queens; ask why drag queens crave an audience..."

"Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side effects is right for you"

"Ask your doctor if medical advice from a television commercial is right for you"

"Asked for a medium roast at Starbucks and the barista made fun of me instead"

"Asking a writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp post how it feels about dogs"

"Asking government to fix government is like asking cancer to cure cancer"

"Asking me if I'm hungry is like asking me if I want money"

Asphalt Capital of the World (Talco nickname)

"Aspire to inspire before you expire"

Aspirin Alley (Broadway)

Assassiversary (assassination + anniversary)

"Assault is a behavior, not a device"

Associated Depressed (Associated Press nickname)

Associated Propaganda (Associated Press or AP nickname)

Asstros (Houston Astros baseball team unofficial nickname)

"Assume you have a can opener" (economics joke about opening a food can)

AssWhole Foods (Whole Foods nickname)

"Asthma Alley"

Astor House Rolls; Roast Beef "a la Astor House"

Astoria Borealis (Astoria, Queens + Aurora Borealis)

Astorian (inhabitant of Astoria, Queens)

Astorperious or Asterperious (from "Astor")

"Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk. Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream"

"Astronauts use Linux because you can't open Windows in space"

"Astronomy is way over my head"

Astroturf (Astroturfing)

Asylum Street (Guadalupe Street nickname in Austin)

"At 12:01 am on January 1, for the first time ever, hind sight will actually be 2020"

"At first, I couldn’t believe that vodka is made from fucking potatoes..."

"At GM, you form a committee on snakes, then hire a consultant..." (Ross Perot)

"At least my coffee won't get cold in hell"

"At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song"

"At LOTR 150, Professor Gandalf is kind of a jerk. He opened the class with, 'YOU SHALL NOT PASS!'"

"At my age, 'getting lucky' means having coffee without interruption"

"At my age, I don't even buy green bananas"

"At my house, we pray after we eat"

"At my new job, I have hundreds of people under me. I mow the grass at the cemetery"

"At my next job, I’m gonna to lie about having a kid so I can leave the office anytime I want..."

"At no point in history have the people forcing others into compliance been the good guys"

"At some point, Subway convinced us all it's healthy to eat a whole loaf of bread in one sitting"

"At some point we need to quit asking who needs to pay more taxes and focus on where it's going"

"At some point you will find someone who is obsessed with you and wants all your time..."

"At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"At the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill. Got weird looks, so I started jogging instead"

"At the start of every disaster movie there's a scientist being ignored"

"At the start of this new year, I am leaving my past behind me. So if I owe you some money..."

"At the store there was a big X by the register for me to stand on..." (joke)

"At the stroke of midnight, Neil wept softly, cradling the sour cream as it expired"

"At the supermarket, I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode" (joke)

"At the university, I made videos of urine at different resolutions. I even got a pee HD"

"At this point, conspiracy theories might as well be called spoiler alerts"

"At this point, either your blood is boiling or it is clotting"

"At this point, I don't know if coffee is a hobby or survival instinct"

"At this point, I only trust people who have been canceled, banned, deleted or have been in fb jail"

"At this point, I would feel safer if coronavirus held a press conference..."

"At this point, I’d feel safer if COVID-19 held a press conference..."

"At this point, if a clown invited me into the woods, I would just go"

"At this point, we’re just working for gas money to go to work"

"At this point, your blood is either boiling or clotting"

"At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?"

"At what stage of home schooling do we send the school a letter asking for donations..."

"At work, a coffee machine always gets fixed faster than a printer"

"At work, when you don’t know what to do, just walk fast and look worried"

"Ate a box of Thin Mints. Didn't get thinner. I don't think they work"

"Ate my last piece of cheese yesterday. Today it’s raining. Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone"

Athenian (inhabitant of Athens, Texas)

Athens of Texas (nickname of many Texas cities)

Atlantic Antic

"ATM fees are the bank's way of making you buy back your own money"

"ATMs are pressed for cash"

Atomic Buffalo Turds or ABTs (bacon-wrapped stuffed jalapeños)

Atomic Deer Turds

Attaboy

"Attack each day with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind"

Attention-Interest-Desire-Action ("AIDA" of marketing)

"Attention Thieves: Please carry ID so we can notify next of kin"

"Attila walks into a quaint Southern diner. Waitress says, 'What can I get you, Hun?'"

"Attract what you expect. Reflect what you desire. Become what you respect. Mirror what you admire"

ATX (Austin nickname)

"Auctioneers are the original rappers"

"Auctions are the one place you can get something for nodding"

"Audio engineers give sound advice"

Audrey Munson (New York's "Civic Fame" and "Miss Manhattan," San Francisco's "World's Fair Girl")

"August already? September is practically next week. Time to pick out a Halloween costume"

"August is just gold wind"

"August is like the Sunday of summer"

"Auld lang syne implies the existence of auld lang cosyne and auld lang tangynt"

Auld Mug (America's Cup trophy nickname)

Aunt Chovie ("anchovy" pun)

Aunt Chovy ("anchovy" pun)

Aunt Jane (an unsophisticated investor)

Aunt Millie (an unsophisticated investor)

Aunt Sally's Boutique (Salvation Army nickname)

Aunt Samantha (wife of Uncle Sam)

Aunt Sammy (sister of Uncle Sam)

Aurophobia (fear of gold)

Austerian (austerity + Austrian school of economics)

Austerical (austerity + hysterical)

Austex or AusTex or Aus-Tex (Austin, Texas)

Austin Comical (Austin Chronicle nickname)

Austin: It's what the rest of the country had in mind (Austin slogan)

"Austin Powers walks into a bar...." (bar joke)

Austin (summary)

Austinite (cocktail)

Austinite (inhabitant of Austin)

Austinpreneur (Austin + entrepreneur)

Austintatious (Austin-tatious)

"Australians are just British Texans"

Australita

"Author! Author!" (audience shout)

Author's Row (Jane Street in West Village, Manhattan)

"Auto-correct walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Auto racing, bullfighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports -- all others are games"

Auto Show

"Autocomplete is the bake of my existence"

"Autocorrect and I have a love hat relationship"

"Autocorrect can be your worst enema"

"Autocorrect is the bake of my existence"

"Autocorrect makes me type things I didn't Nintendo"

Autograt (automatic gratuity)

Autohoaxer; Autohoaxing

Automat (or, Automated Restaurant)

Automobile Row

"Autumn came, with wind and gold"

"Autumn carries more gold in its pocket than all the other seasons"

"Autumn in New York" (1934)

"Autumn is a season followed immediately by looking forward to spring"

"Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower"

"Autumn is my favorite color"

"Autumn leaves a smile on my face"

"Autumn leaves and pumpkins, please"

"Autumn skies and pumpkin pies"

"Autumn skies and pumpkin pies"

"Autumn, the year's last, loveliest smile"

Avenue of Architecture (Eighth Avenue)

Avenue of Heroes; Canyon of Heroes

"Average gumbo is only medi-okra"

Avinunca (Avianca nickname)

"Avocado salsa is just guacamole"

Avocado Toast

"Avocado Toast + Mole Sauce = Avogadro Toast"

"Avocados are fruits. Guacamole is avocado jam"

Avodog (avocado + hot dog)

Avogadro Toast (Avogadro constant + avocado toast)

"Avoid any food that has a TV commercial"

"Avoid fruits and nuts -- you are what you eat"

"Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high"

"A&W stands for Amburgers and Woot Beer"

"Always ask for a receipt. You may need an alibi"

"Awe shit man. I thought ASAP meant As Stoned As Possible"

"Awesome has a flavor and its name is coffee"

Awesome Sauce

"Awesome sauce is probably the condiment that goes on cool beans"

Awful Broadcasting Company (ABC nickname)

Awful House (Waffle House nickname)

Axe (bad financial asset)

Aztec Soup or Aztec Tortilla Soup (Sopa Azteca)

Aztec Two-Step (traveler's diarrhea)